"A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean

Things in the left column:

the archives
an explanation
links
my guestbook
amazon wishlist

email me dude:


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fait accomplit is the U of A CompLit department's literary journal. they are looking for submissions of poetry, art, short stories and essays for their next issue. (submissions do not have to come from U of A students.) email: faitaccomplit@hotmail.com

i'm currently reading...

fun! free! nutritious!

it means everything that has been erased

dos listos*
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 @ 08:31 p.m.

1. Disturbing changes in my behaviour that have occurred since my entire family left on holidays on Friday:

  1. My dog is all depressed. I try to make him feel better by feeding him things that aren't good for him, like dog cookies and also pieces of chicken, but it doesn't cheer him up for very long. Plus he'll probably develop an eating disorder.
  2. Both his leash and his collar have disappeared, in two unrelated incidents, so now I walk him with a shoelace. This is not quite as bad as walking him with an extension cord, but it's in the same class, or lack of class.
  3. I eat more Fudgee-Os and fewer vegetables.
  4. Also: I walk to Mac's and buy slushees at 7 o'clock in the morning.
  5. On Monday evening I actually sat down in the middle of my kitchen floor and started to cry because I couldn't get the lid off a jar of spaghetti sauce; although to be fair to myself I was very sick and drugged and had only slept for three hours the previous night.
  6. I talk to the TV (side-note: I make sardonic comments though; at least I'm not enthusiastic. And I don't tell it about my day. And I do ace Final Jeopardy.)
  7. I play the soundtrack from Once More With Feeling very loudly while doing dishes; and I add periodic operatic flourishes using the dishes as props. I sing all the parts.
  8. I do not answer the door or the phone unless I am specifically expecting it to be someone I like.
  9. When I am in the shower I leave the bathroom door open.
  10. I do not do dishes until I either run out of glasses, or I run out of countertop on which to dirty more dishes. (Sublist: disgusting dishes my sister left for me to wash when she went away to camp: two pans from banana bread; one mixing bowl with banana bread dough that does not come off; one blender with raspberry milkshake crusted on; two pizza pans.)
  11. I have sex all the time. (I just threw that one in so Meghan would make that face... the "eww, the thought of my friends having sex" face)
  12. I update my website more than once a day

2. Things I tried to feed to an injured bird that flew into my living room window but didn't die.

  • Chopped up pine nuts
  • Sesame seeds
  • poppy seeds
  • sunflower seeds
  • Honey-Nut Cheerios
  • Water

*The word listo is a "false friend;" it's not really a cognate. The Spanish word "listo" means "ready." I don't want you to embarrass yourself in a bilingual situation on my account!

Do you see how much I love you? Do you love me back? Then leave me comments you heartless bastard!

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I emerge with a "ta-da!"
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 @ 05:01 p.m.

Internet!
Dude!
I'm sorry I'm such a slacker. I haven't done much to entertain you lately, internet. I know that at least 4 or 5 people check my website on a regular or semi-regular basis (it may in fact be more) and for the sake of those people, I apologize. (Meghan. Courtney-when-you-are-not-in-Siberia. My-sister-until-I-told-you-not-to. James-hoping-I-will-mention-you. Chris. Candace? And maybe... Phil? Plus half a dozen or so people I don't know who have sent me enthusiastic email about what a genius I am, who presumably [hopefully... parenthesis inside parenthesis... v. bad] still think so. Oh, and maybe half a dozen people who've made links to me on their own websites and hopefully I haven't lost their favour.) Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I remembered. I was sick, you see. And dull. And I was feeling glum. But today, Internet... today is a new day. It's sunny outside! My sore throat OF DEATH has dissolved into my sore throat of MINOR ANNOYANCE! Also, I am reading Pamela's book, and it has inspired me about the ability of the internet to connect people to each other and make meaningful relationships and blah blah blah. So I'm turning over a new leaf, Internet. I promise this time, no more cheating. No more drinking. It's just going to be me and you this time, for real.

To start off my new leaf here is a conversation I had with James last night (I try to appease people on my list so they'll keep reading):

*Trivial Pursuit; I am stoned on cold medication and hella tired.*
James: "What is the name of Fidel Castro's brother?"
Jocelyn: "Julieta?" (pronounced of course in the fashion espagnol)

Note: I know a Julieta, and she doesn't remind me of Castro at all. In fact she's very pretty. This had nothing to do with her; it was just the first Cuban-sounding name that came into my head.

Oof, I gotta go. Simpsons is on.

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I've found myself a crooked lady
Tuesday, July 29, 2003 @ 01:21 p.m.

Hi internet.

I'm pretty sick although I feel better at this moment than I have in several days. I sleep for hours and hours, watch Buffy, and drink chocolate milk. It passes the time.

I got some good mail yesterday including a cheque from the government for one hundres and six dollars! I have to tell you, I love living in this country. The government periodically sends me money for no reason when I am sick, and it cheers me up.

I've spent big chunks of the day so far searching for obscure MP3s- namely, Angie Hart's song Blue which appeared in the Buffy episode "conversations with dead people." No luck so far. I'm buying a minidisc player this weekend. Then I will need all the MP3s to listen to on the bus when I go back to SCHOOL in SEPTEMBER! (yay)

I'm boring, I'm sick, my hair is flat and dull, pity me.

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Today's... err tomorrow's... eerily appropriate word of the day
Sunday, July 27, 2003 @ 12:05 a.m.

luftmensch LOOFT-mensh ("OO" as in "foot") noun

: an impractical contemplative person having no definite business or income

It must be German. Those Germans! They have a word for everything! They even have a word for me!

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I'm here, to save the day...
Friday, July 25, 2003 @ 09:29 a.m.

And you thought your life had ended.

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Excuses, excuses
Thursday, July 24, 2003 @ 07:50 a.m.

Self-medicating while at work is not for the faint of heart; but then, I'm not faint of heart, am I?

I usually kick the ass of the ABE books monthly literary quiz and this month is no exception. I wish they would make them harder; at this rate I'm never going to win because everyone knows the answers.

I got a postcard from Courtney in Russia and "Canada" is written in Russian so they would know where to send it!

I am addicted to amazon.ca. I buy everything there. I recently purchased pamie's first novel, but I ordered it along with some yo la tengo and onelinedrawing CDs (to get free shipping), and so I have to wait a long time because ylt was backordered. LAME.

Class dismissed. Except for you, Jerome.

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it took a little time, but you calmed me down
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 @ 02:22 p.m.

I have not done more than about 20 minutes of honest-to-God work today. Partly because I am a pirate, but possibly because I haven't had a lot of sleep lately and it's taken a lot out of me.

The hot tub is all hooked up now. My dad built an elaborate cedar stand for it, with steps. Toby (my schnauzerpug) likes these steps because they allow him to get up to where the hot-tub action is. He lies on the lush Costco towels and watches us with utter satisfaction because he is close to his people without having to get wet.

I'm going canoeing on the Yukon river this summer and we're bringing my dog, yo. I think it'll be funny.

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Like a heart attack
Monday, July 21, 2003 @ 07:01 p.m.

Ladies, it's time to ask yourselves: are you trying hard enough to be the PERFECT GIRLFRIEND?

Yeah, me neither.

I like scanning home design magazines and seeing what books people have on their bookshelves. And wondering: are these books for reading, or books for decoration? If I were buying books for decoration, I would buy ones written in Arabic, because it's a pretty-looking language.

UNlike the people in IKEA catalogues who always have Scandanavian books.

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PS
Monday, July 21, 2003 @ 08:50 a.m.

Someone posted me a comment asking if I'd ever taken a Myers-Briggs type personality test, and I never had so I went and took one on the friendly internet. It told me my type is "Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging." I really have no idea what this means so I'll just accept it blindly. (It sounds OK except for the "judging" part... what's that all about? Is that bad?)

I like things that are based on Jung. I also like puns on the name "Jung." I do not like when people condescendingly tell me how to spell "Jung."

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she won't come to me
Monday, July 21, 2003 @ 08:10 a.m.

If you thought I could function well at work on 3 1/2 hours of sleep, you were wrong. Terribly, exhaustingly wrong.

The newer Edmonton Transit Service busses have these panels of lights on the front which are used to display the route number and destination. SOmetimes on special occasions they also display messages on them, like on the days of Eskimo games the busses say, "Go Esks" or something. Potential slogans to display on the front of busses (plural of bus, one 's' or two?):

  • ETS: Cheaper than a cab
  • You probably won't die in a fiery explosion
  • All the crazies you can eat
  • Wherever you're going, we'll take you there... unless it's outside Edmonton
  • It will only take 3 hours
  • Smells like urine and stale perfume
  • No, the drivers are not strippers

I like these mornings when it's cool outside and I have numerous small tasks I can occupy my time with. In only about 7 hours I will be able to go home and sleep, and that too will be nice given that I only slept for three hours last night.

I think I have a coffee infection in my wisdom teeth.

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if anyone has ever been lonely
Sunday, July 20, 2003 @ 01:26 p.m.

I think you should know that I'm listening to the Cowboy Junkies' cover of Sweet Jane, and it's so beautiful. Of course, the original is so pretty in its own way-- I can't think of many people who have voices like Lou Reed's. But this one is girlier, and thus I like it more.

I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean yesterday for the third time.

I'm feeling very lonely today. i'm not really a pirate at all, but rather an ordinary girl. I just thought you should know who I am beneath my pretensions: lonely, and I have a headache, and I really don't like to do anything.

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Beauty untamed, stupid + wild
Thursday, July 17, 2003 @ 02:07 p.m.

The readyamde online store (www.readymademag.com I am too lazy to make links) sells cool signs like this:

In case anyone was thinking of getting me a present to thank me for being so splendid. You can make your house into a mystical restaurant in much the same way that I have made the copy room into a mystical art studio/non-kosher use of work resources production centre.

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Yet another web marketing tool
Thursday, July 17, 2003 @ 01:52 p.m.

I was using my co-worker's computer earlier today, and I noticed that she had somehow installed, probably by accident, the most indsidious little web plug-in ever. It highlights certain words on every site you look at, and when you mouse over the highlighted words, ads appear in the status bar. For example I was reading a page with the word "hosting" on it; the word was lit up yellow and when I scrolled over it, the status bar said something like "Best site hosting on the web, only .95!" Not only is it annoying, but it seems like one of those things that would be illegal in a non-technological world-- like the Diesel campaign last year when the company claimed it was sponsoring friendship, happiness and youth.

Anyway I just had to share that with you in case you were wondering what I was thinking about.

I'm getting back into the Sims in a serious, brain-rewiring addicted way. My current favourites are a married couple, the lovely and daring Tyya (a bush pilot) and her stodgy scientist husband Marshall. Yesterday Marshall finally convinced his wife to quit her job so they could have kids and she could stay home and look after them. They have two now: Wyatt and Dermot. Anyway, I just love how this game has the potential to change the way you think about the real world. If I were a Sim my Social bar would be way, way red. But everything else would be OK, I guess. And if God told me to practice the piano, or find a new job, I would co-operate.

If Canada Post goes on strike I don't know what I will do but it won't be pretty.

Send me email!

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Dirty + sweet
Wednesday, July 16, 2003 @ 08:30 a.m.

I like wearing flip-flops in the summer, but I think they're making my feet deformed. Like the Elephant Man. Only with feet. And, you know, a girl.

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Good morning, Cortina
Thursday, July 10, 2003 @ 09:18 a.m.

I went to see PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN last night and it pleased me very much. It had all the swashbuckling one's heart could desire, not to mention Orlando Bloom, who is a beautiful man; and Johnny Depp, who is so great in this movie I cannot explain it.

My only complaint about this movie is that it takes something beautiful and pure-- monkeys-- and perverts it into something sick and mean-- the Death Monkey. This monkey is not cute; he sees Orlando and he does not want him to be with the woman he loves. Can you imagine? EVIL MONKEYS! That is not right.

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The dream of (the original) sleeping beauty
Wednesday, July 9, 2003 @ 12:01 p.m.

On MSN: Man wakes after 19 years in coma. You see, it could happen to me.
I could wake up from my coma.

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In the dead of night
Tuesday, July 8, 2003 @ 11:03 a.m.

We bought a new monitor, as I think I mentioned, but the old broken one and the one of my sister's we were using are still sitting on the floor in the computer room. This gives the room the appearance of being a monitor sanctuary-- a little preserve of their natural habitat where they can wander free and form happy family units.

Also my parents bought a hot-tub so now I can invite people over for crazy hot tub makeout parties. The hot tub has the additional benefit of being from the 70s, or looking like it is from the 70s (they bought it used) so it is better than other peoples'. It is made of streaky white and beige fiberglass. It doesn't have cup-holders, but we can make floating ones out of milk jugs and duct tape.

I don't believe in doing things the easy way, or the cool way.

Meghan saw a CD store near the University with the slogan: "Mostly CDs... mostly." She knew that this would please me, and so it does.

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Soup du link
Sunday, July 6, 2003 @ 10:38 a.m.

I played the Retail Aplhabet Game and I only scored 7/26 on the first edition. This either demonstrates that I am a poorly informed member of society, or, alternately, a socialist superhero!

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Ask me about my hot pink
Sunday, July 6, 2003 @ 10:14 a.m.

I got a new monitor. It is good to me and I shall name it My Squishy. Why? Well, why not?

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mushrooms and pop tarts
Friday, July 4, 2003 @ 09:10 p.m.

I am just waiting for it to be a reasonable time to go to sleep, so I can go to sleep.

There's this guy who tries to pick me up all the time, and he came into work today. He comes up to me periodically in public places and tries to talk me into going out with him. I told him in no uncertain terms to leave me alone, that he doesn't have a chance with me, and he left. Since then I've had this feeling of guilt over being so mean, combined with indignation at said guilt. Do you know why? Because I am a Nice Person, and I am nice to strangers. I know I have the right to stop being nice to strangers, when they are annoying and creepy and disrespectful of my wishes, but I can't help it. I should be able to tell this guy to fuck off, qualm-free. But I can't somehow.

The whole thing pisses me off. I shouldn't feel this crippling sense of obligation to be kind to everyone. I HATE this guy, and I finally told him off, and instead of feeling great I feel guilty. How does that make any sense at all?

Anyway I've had a shit day and I'm going to sleep in about 50 minutes.

I wish I could arrange to sleep for a long long time, and then I could wake up and the world could be different. I would awaken wiser or more capable or just less tired, and I would be able to accomplish things, meaningful things, instead of feeling like I'm fucking around wasting time. Essentially, I would be like Sleeping Beauty in the original version of the story-- Prince Charming, who isn't that charming, rapes her in her sleep and she awakens to find she has given birth to twins. (She marries the Prince and her mother-in-law, who is part ogre, and not cute Shrek-ogre, tries to eat her babies; but it all works out OK in the end.) I want to awake and find that I've given birth to something amazing and new and meaningful that requires my attention and thought and energy, something that brings forth from within me what is best and most beautiful.

Also: I want it all to work out OK in the end.

But that is never going to happen so instead Meghan and I are making T-shirts that say "I heart dirt" (only a heart instead of the word "heart")-- Xander has a shirt like this on Buffy, although, like all clothes in TV-land, he only wears it once.

Also: I broke my lovely 17" monitor by watering a plant on top of it, and I think I must have wrecked the picture tube. Big check in the "incompetent dumbass who fucks everything up" column. For right now we're using my sister's old monitor, which is tiny and crooked, but I guess sometime in the near future we'll have to buy a new one. If you were wondering why the internet looks broken-- or is that only me?

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