it means everything that has been erased

"Behold, my revelation: I stand at the door in the morning, and lo, there is a newspaper, in sight like unto an emerald. And holy, holy, holy is the coffee, which was, and is, and is to come. And hark, I hear the voice of an angel round about the radio, saying, 'Since my baby left me I found a new place to dwell.' And lo, after this I beheld a great multitude, which no man could number, of shoes... The heavens will open, and out will cometh a rain fragrant as myrrh and yea, I have an umbrella." -Sarah Vowell, Take the Cannoli

fun! free! nutritious!
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email: jocelynb at shaw dot ca

don't turn off the lights
Sunday, September 8, 2002 @ 10:12 a.m.

Can it be? The soundtrack for ONCE MORE WITH FEELING, last season's musical episode on BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, is available on CD at amazon and hmv.ca! It's like all my dreams are coming true! What will happen next? Will suitcases of money appear under my bed? Will at least one of my classes turn out to be interesting? Will there be world peace? Hey, it could happen. Well, except the world peace. And the interesting classes. But.

My psychology professor told us he likes sitting in coffee shop watching people and guessing which ones are on anti-psychotic drugs. I bet that would be a great thing to do on a first date.

This just in: I'm really petty and shallow
Friday, September 6, 2002 @ 09:25 p.m.

I hate it when people force-justify things.

if you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss
Thursday, September 5, 2002 @ 03:02 p.m.

So, apparently the new U of A online registration system is hella cool. I wouldn't know, because I don't have my logon ID (I tend to throw away all mail from the U of A, assuming it's library fine information). I've been on hold for quite awhile, and listening to automated phone menus. Booh.

So far school is going OK, I guess. I have even less enthusiasm than usual. Plus there's the complicated Jocelyn Class MegaSwap, where I go to about three times as many classes as I can fit into my timetable and then switch my whole schedule around so I can be in the interesting ones. Or the easy ones. Or, if I'm lucky, both. (Or, this year, the ones with cheap textbooks. Sigh.)

And then there's the 8 million lost freshmen who jostle me in hallways... they worry me. I'm becoming a university grouch. I'll be under a tree in quad by next summer, wearing a curdoroy jacket with tweed patches on the elbows, muttering to myself about how no one reads Hume properly any more.

It's cold. The idea of beer gardens is depressing. And so I am at home, phoning the registrar's office every 45 seconds. Cheers.

in my mind and in my car, bah bah bah bah bah
Tuesday, September 3, 2002 @ 11:36 p.m.

God, I feel like hell tonight. My shoe broke as I walked home from the bus stop after riding the bus home too early with my stupid ex and his stupid girlfriend and it's official: I'm the biggest loser in the world.

I am the ghost of bad sex past. Or it was an omen from the God of Stupid Mistakes. And Broken Shoes. I hate my life.

you're never dead 'til you're out of quarters
Monday, September 2, 2002 @ 11:18 a.m.

August 2002: Grand Totals

mosquito bites in Saskatchewan: 8 bazillion
mosquito bites in Alberta: 1
total income: about $250
Fringe plays: 11
classes passed: 1
classes failed: 0
weddings attended: 1
weddings not attended: lots
showers: 22 (estimate)
Buffy episodes watched: 10
episodes of Big Brither III: 3
trips to West Edmonton Mall: 1
exchange students: 1
siblings: 1
money spent on slushees: $1,000,000,000
cans of Vanilla Coke consumed: 13 (estimate)
times my family ate pizza: 3
number of times my father threatened to play his Sergio Mendes & Brazil 66 records for me, and then didn't: 2
items of cool mail: 2
money paid to U of A: $175
money paid to South American kidnappers: $25
number of yard-art projects created: 1
number of public-transportation-related injuries: 1
number of hours spent looking after babies: 1
trips to the public library: 3
trips to The Real Canadian Superstore: 3
number of times watched Office Space: 3
number of lists like this devised: 1

Grand total: 8 bazillion 1,000,000,614. Not bad.

Because I wanna
Friday, August 30, 2002 @ 09:00 a.m.

OK, I'm off to a wedding. Have a good weekend. If you get bored consider checking out the New Pornographers, who are at the Rev tonight I think, and the 3D-movie weekend at the Metro, where movies are $6. Does school start on Tuesday or Wednesday next week?

we'll be falling in love to the rhythm of a steel drum band
Wednesday, August 28, 2002 @ 09:39 a.m.

I've been having fun playing with ugo's Hero Machine. Behold my superhero alterego:

When I take off my glasses and change into my army pants, I suddenly become her. And then I save the world. And whip people, I assume.

*

How I found this link, just for interest's sake: someone recently found my page in google with the search query, "I'm so sexually frustrated." (I'm in the top 10 for sexual frustration!) The hit right before my page is this person, who, it seems, loves Darren Hayes. You know, the guy from Savage Garden. So, that's a bit strange. And she (I assume she) had linked to the hero machine. So.

I downloaded three versions of Video Killed the Radio Star for today: The Buggles (the original), Ben Folds Five, and R.E.M. I think I like the BFF on the best, although it's live and crappy quality.

So.


Tuesday, August 27, 2002 @ 07:28 p.m.

If, like me, you ever feel like you don't get enough respect, you should try buying yourself a title. For only 195 pounds, I could become "Viscountess Jocelyn"!

i wanna ride your coattails, or just nail them to the floor
Tuesday, August 27, 2002 @ 02:32 p.m.

I'm bored enough that I think a little school would be a good idea. I get bored in the summer, and depressed in the winter. It's like a big adventure except not exciting or fun at all.

I got my English 283 mark back. I hate my undistinguished academic performance.

got to get you off my mind
Monday, August 26, 2002 @ 10:37 a.m.

My family has returned. A couple weeks ago my parents were in Prague-- now those same opera houses and museums are under water. It's a bit heartbreaking.

Careful deletia readers (ie, me) will remember a poster I described which my dad likes, with a constellation of celebrities arranged like the London tube system. (The artist is Simon Patterson.) Well, my dad brought me a poster of it! And it's cool! So!

My dad also bought a 4.5 kilogram Toblerone bar in Amsterdam, an African drum for James, and an ebony salad bowl for the friends of ours who are getting married next weekend. And I'm glad they're home.

"What are you doing in my corpse hatch?... Err, did I say "corpse hatch"? I meant "innocence tube"!" -Mr. Burns

rock and/or roll
Saturday, August 24, 2002 @ 06:23 p.m.

Hmmm.

i've been thinking about you, my love
Thursday, August 22, 2002 @ 10:31 a.m.

  1. I have mono.
  2. I have tonsilitis.
  3. I'm just really bored.

you can try to resist
Wednesday, August 21, 2002 @ 03:57 p.m.

A poll finds that the most widely known Christian figure, after Jesus, is Ned Flanders. My other favourite bit of Simpsons arcana: the blackboard archive.

Because I spend an unholy amount of time reading McSweeney's lists: Things My Friend Fabio Said Recently.

Did you know that at the end of August/beginning of September, you can see 1950s 3D movies at the Metro Cinema downtown WITH ACTUALL 3D GLASSES?!? You can only do this if you are a member of the Metro Cinema society, as I am, unfortunately for you. Also, you can only do this if you are not going to a wedding that weekend, as I am, unfortunately for me.

The Jocelyn-approved song of the day is Otis Redding's version of Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone, a song that has been remade by many wonderful singers and also Lenny Kravitz.

So in more serious news, do you know what my little sister is doing this week? Those of you who guessed, "working in an orphanage for AIDS orphans in Kenya," you guessed right! You win the right to live in this fabulous first-world country!

Sometimes, I've noticed, I sound sarcastic even when I don't mean to. But you know whose fault that is? You are right, the media who manipulate me with their manipulative media tricks.

I left it all in Indian Queens
Monday, August 19, 2002 @ 07:42 p.m.

Well, I was just at the CBS website checking out the contestants on the next Survivor. I am not really a Survivor fan, but I have a renewed interest in it as a 'cultural text' because of my ENGL283 class. Survivor does represent a slightly better cross-section of American society because on this show there's only one bartender, whereas ALL the contestants on Big Brother are bartenders or waitresses.

Rejected reality TV ideas:

  • Celebrity survivor: third-tier celebrities desperate to "resurrect" ("urrect"?) their careers fight to the death. The one survivor wins a contract for six movies with the following conditions: at least one sex scene with Josh Hartnett/Cameron Diaz (depending on sex of winner); at least one movie in which winner's mother is played by a respected older actress (Sigourney Weaver, or even Meryl Streep); one off-screen romance with a young pop star (Christina Aguilera, JC from NSYNC or similar); and a cameo on FRIENDS.
  • Ultimate Survivor: death-row inmates in the US compete for a pardon. The "extreme" challenges would include wrestling bad-tempered Kimodo dragons; karaoke contests in which the audience is armed with shotguns; and old-school gladiator-style combat.
  • Survivor-BigBrotherIII-TheBachelor-MeetMyFolks-Elimidate hybrid; tentatively titled "extreme elimihouse gettingmarriedalsosurviving." Set-up would be as follows: six contestants, three men and three women (racially representative, of course-- the girls would be like Josie and the Pussycats), two tentative love interests for each, plus all their parents. And a death row inmate. And a celebrity who couldn't get onto HOLLYWOOD SQUARES. Stuck in a house, on an isolated island. The contestants, their suitors and parents engage in seperate sets of challenges to determine which suitor will be cast to the sharks; at the same time, the six "teams" compete to be the Total Reality TV winner. Eventually the winning contestant, and the tentative spouse of his/her parents' choice, get married on camera and get to keep the house forever and escape the extreme stupidity of reality TV.

everything is alright
Monday, August 19, 2002 @ 11:27 a.m.

A man my age should not aim for boyishness. He should wear an old tweed jacket and wool trousers and a silk vest with a great belly under it and have wild eyebrows the size of rats and carry a knobby walking stick and smoke torpedo cigars and sit around kicking the bejabbers out of the government. A guy can do that in Scotland.
-Garrison Keillor, "Crankiness in Decline, Says Old Guy"

never saw the sunshine
Saturday, August 17, 2002 @ 11:54 p.m.

Amendments to the London tube system-- via mooselessness
My father found a poster which is designed to look just like the iconic London tube map, but with famous people instead of stops. And they're arranged by type, so the "inventors" line crosses the "artists" line at Lenoardo da Vinci. He was telling me about it for the longest time and I was distinctly non-plussed. When my mother brought home a postcard version from England, I pored over it for a long time. I was fascinated, of course. A geek by any other name would smell as sweet. If not sweeter. Depending.

The most dangerous man in the most dangerous city in the world
Saturday, August 17, 2002 @ 10:43 p.m.

he said, "be you angels?"
and we said, "nay! we are but men!"

In an effort to prove that Tenacious D's Tribute is the funniest song ever, I played it for my mom. She was like, "I don't get it." Sometimes I can't relate to my parents at all. It's like we are from different tribes on Survivor. Or, different generations. It's like when I start talking about memes, or identity and consumption, and their eyes just glaze over.

The elusive substance referred to as "Canadian culture" must exist, because there are some things-- Anne of Green Gables satires, This Hour Has 22 Minutes, Joe Clark jokes-- that are only funny to us. I think it has something to do with icicles, and beer. Or icicles IN beer.