So: last night after coming home from West Ed I watched Chasing Amy, and it left me feeling kind of sad about the state of love, so I wrapped myself in quilts and my sherpa blanket and brought my old Smith & Corona out from my closet and wrote a letter to Jeannie, something I haven't done for quite a while. (If anyone remembers: the world was once run by Rhyme, Reason and Happenstance, three princesses with a penchant for pain, but when they gave up on us Jeannie stepped in.)
No matter what craziness I concoct, you always stop me from getting too carried away. Sometimes it frustrates me, but there's a reason I need you: you keep me tethered to the earth. There are days I could easily just fade away, evaporate, leaving behind me a pile of maps and charts and badly typewritten notes to myself; but in the end, it's never good to stay in space forever. I belong here, on this sane planet, with you.
Stuff that is cool: The move Amelie, at the Garneau; Harry Potter pyjamas at La Senza; velcro shirt at Urban Trade; fake asparagus from Le Gnome (Why, God, why?), Ocean's Eleven (according to Angie), mocha coffee, the buzz, chocolate-covered espresso beans, and never growing old.
SWM, 41, 5'7", 140 lbs., values: love + learning. Interests:Philosphy, cooking, exercise. Seekf SF, 25-35, never done drugs, is articulate, non-materialistic, financially independent, with a profound understanding + practice of love.
HERE IT GOES
I'm a nice, sincere, considerate, SWM, 23, 5'5", who enjoys sports, camping, the outdoors, and more. I'd love to meet a nice, calm, relaxed, SWF, 25-45.
Do you get the feeling his last girlfriend was hysterical or perhaps psychotic?
unrelated point: It's bizarre. Every human being is unique and different, but when we place personal ads we all turn into isotopes of each other.
My driving instructor is a Nazi. Of course, i'm a terrible driver, but terrible driving does not call for naziism.
Monday, he tries to make me parallel park-- for the first time ever I might add-- behind a beautiful silver 2001 T-Bird. I just ignored him, because he doesn't know as much about my driving or my luck as I do.
I. I got three copies of the same spam email: FARM GIRLS and FARM ANIMALS! Do you ever wonder what they do when they're alone? I sent back an email: Stop it! Leave me alone! Hopefully it will work. If it doesn't bounce I'm going to forward all the SPAM i get to that address for the next month. I'm so tired of these people, invading my personal space.
II. Revelation: Christmas actually has nothing to do with shopping. Nothing. At all. I don't care what the crazy voices on your radio told you, you crazy son of a bitch.
III. Coffee + alcohol = weird feeling. Buzzed yet sleepy. I should not do this to myself. I don't feel "revolutionary cool" with this bizarre headache localized just behind my right ear.
modification: Wednesday evening. Jocelyn: "So logically I drank bellinis, in the hope of drowning out the caffeine." Meghan: "You should be a scientist."
IV. Zipping through "Franny and Zooey," an excellent quick read for perpetuating end-of-semester lethargy, frustration and antsiness.
V. Waking up with a smile on my face, and the smallest slip of a dream on my tongue.
"Smithers, can't you iron these creases out of my pants?"
"Mr. Burns, sir, those creases are in your legs."
"Ah yes, so they are."
My sister made another little pointed remark to me today at church. Tracy Reimer mentioned something about me "lazing around at home" during exam weeks, and Kristen asked, "at home?" fake-innocently, then looked at me with a hah-hah look. I didn't say anything at the time, but when we got home I had to ask her: "What did you do that for?" I should have just kept my mouth shut. My sister is a drama queen. There is no point in trying to argue with her in a rational way, because nothing except her own warped perceptions matter to her. Apparently I "never" do my own dishes or walk the dog, even though when pressed she could only name one time I hadn't taken Toby when it was my turn. When I pointed out that just last weekend I made her a nice dinner and did all the dishes and let her watch a movie with us-- "Do the things I do matter to you at all?"-- she just scowled at me as if she couldn't believe a counter-case existed, and it was just something I'd invented.
Eventually I started to cry-- not so much because of my sister's direct implication, because I know she's insane and she deserves to be ignored; but just because sometimes it feels like I'm so exhausted, like I give and give and give of energy and time and try to do well at everything I do, and sometimes the system just breaks down. I can't look after the people I know I need to look after; I can't finish the work I have to do or the assignment that's due; I teach a Sunday school class off the top of my head because I didn't have time to prepare properly; or something else happens that just makes me feel like my life is spinning out of control. She tapped into that fear, that I can't keep it together.
Yesterday, at the advent party at my church, I said hi to several of the kids from my Sunday school class and all of them ignored me. It was terrible! At least none of them yelled, "this is not my mother!" or something like that, but still. Then today, although I wasn't teaching, I went down afterward to the class to talk to Joyce, and everyone was delighted to see me. I got a wave from Griffin, a very confrontational "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" from Jeffrey, and a goodbye hug and kiss from Heidi. Wilson asked me with extreme seriousness, "Did you come down here just to see us?" And I saw like, "Yeah-- I was upstairs in the service, but I missed you guys!" and Wilson goes, "Were you at the advent party yesterday?" and I say "Yes. Actually, I said hi to you but I don't think you noticed me," and he says, "I must have been busy." I think he's my favourite Sunday School student-- he has the same air of utmost seriousness that I had when I was that age, the same capacity for strange questions and troubled expressions. I sat down on the floor and talked to him for a few minutes about Christmas while Heidi and Jeffrey jumped on me.
In retrospect I expect this is the "classroom" effect; in psych we learned about it. Young kids are especially likely not to recognize you or know how to respond out of the normal context they see you in. I'll tell myself that if it lets me sleep at night.
Christmas: it's here. It never feels like Christmas until I go to the first advent service of the year-- the first Sunday in December. The choir sang "Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel" as an introit and I thought, yes: emmanuel. God be with you. This has been such a long semester, and we're all so tired. A little peace would be nice.
Thursday, November 29, 2001 @ 04:14 p.m.
It's still snowing.
My mom bought me more cream cheese (yay!)
I had a scary dream last night that I was a witness for an important trial and the FBI was supposed to be protecting me except I was in a shopping mall and I kept getting shot at. Also, for some reason I had a baby. Which was in a stroller. You'd think if I was dodging the mafia or something I could arrange for some babysitting.
Anyway, it's been a nothing day.
"Here, here, gimme a funny point. What's big and purble and eats rocks?"
"A big purple rock eater!"
"I hate you."
People who are loud, opinionated and invade my personal space
People who are intensely negative
Things I'm going to miss about my job
"Princess Club" and "There goes your boyfriend!" jokes
My stupid ideas being affectionately vetoed-- all the time
Feeling like I'm really an expert at something-- even if that something is just postage
A couple of my regular customers
My discount-- on hair products, ridiculous toys, and razor blades
Reading Cosmo, Maxim, House & Home and trashy romance novels
Mike & Ike's and Old Dutch jalapeno and cheddar chips
Having an area of my life that doesn't have anything to do with the rest of my life-- basically a consequence- and identity-free zone
An excuse to eat at McDonald's. All. The. Time.
Playing with the trains
Why this is the Best Weekend Ever
Neil Diamond ("GO TO MY HEAD! MAKE ME FORGET THAT I... STILL NEED HER SO")
Buffy and Spike having sex! Very violent sex in an abandoned building! Also... Knowing that next week Buffy will be like, "It didn't mean anything!" (Silly Buffy); Can you imagine what kind of relationship they would have? That would be exciting-- never knowing if your boyfriend was going to kill you if his instincts got the better of him for a second and overwhelmed his dark (but true) love for you; "There's no record anywhere of a frost monster that eats diamonds." "Maybe he doesn't eat them... maybe he just thinks they're pretty!"
4 EPISODES OF MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE! I'm there!
Rice pilaf, brownies, and peach punch
Sunday School: "I'm surprised that God made the world because I would have thought construction workers made it! But I guess that mostly make roads and buildings and stuff..."