get yoself some pita, bitch


[a boy]
[a girl]

things left unsaid
[disturbing search requests]


and love songs
l < subversive > ?
boys [suck]

i've been
fucking imood
since march 1st, 2000!

imagining the world outside
Monday, April 2, 2001 @ 03:08 p.m.


Did you know that you can make your own custom hair- and skincare at I mean, how great is that?!? Instead of just going to the drugstore and spending $4 on a bottle of handlotion like I always do, I can now get a bottle of Jocelyn's "Hella Really Swanky Moisturizer" sent to me for only five times that! How awesome is that?

Well, I may be a little sarcastic, but I really did use their cosmetic-creating robot to make Hella Really Swanky Moisturizer, so I guess I can't complain too too much.

Also, in the world of online shopping: squishy now has Tshirts!

Our Emily stickers came today, along with (inexplicably) a little pink change purse with a yellow duck on it and a pair of cat-socks. For some reason, i got charged a "brokerage GST fee" of $26, which puzzles me. Oh, and: My website got 388 hits yesterday. I persist in thinking that drinking skim milk and eating ice cream with caramel sauce is healthy. Today is full of mysteries.

Sunday, April 1, 2001 @ 07:58 p.m.

I had allotted one hour today to update my website, clean out my garden hose, colour-code my CDs, and write my wuthering heights research paper. due to daylight savings time, this hour was lost and these tasks will not be completed.

have a nice day.


revelation: the legal drinking age is 19 in saskatchewan! Whatever!

Also: for any remaining audience members who secretly still liked my sister: just a second ago, she came downstairs, announced i had to turn my music down because she hates my music (interesting side proposition: if she hates my music so much who does she always borrow my CDS?) (interesting side fact: I was listening to Moby, songs). When I refused to close my door (I can't hear my music with my door closed), she closed it herself, then went upstairs and turned on THE VILLAGE PEOPLE as loud as her 240watt stereo could muster.

Again, whatever. I could precipitate this fight, but I know how it will end: she'll call my a fucking asshole, and I'll ask her in a faux-philosophical way what happened to her to make her such a bitch, and as adults we'll wonder why he hated each other so much when we were younger.

Alternately: as adults we'll wonder why she liked the village people so much.


You know, it disappoints me that 20% of people who voted on my attractiveness in my poll gave me a one. I mean, that's just disappointing. I KNOW i'm not a one, and so at least 20% of my website visitors aren't taking their website visitory responsibilities seriously. I'm giving you all detentions, you dumb fucks.

i love you
Sunday, April 1, 2001 @ 10:58 a.m.

if i could, i would bring you all the mango snapple in the world.

can you dig it?
Thursday, March 29, 2001 @ 10:17 p.m.

hello kids.

Obscenely early tomorrow morning, I depart these sad ruins for brighter shores-- namely, the earthly paradise of saskatoon, saskatchewan. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO GOOD?

Anyway, this hardly affects you, gentle reader, except that there may be slightly fewer (read: no) updates over the next few days. I'm just trying to deactivate the old suicide watch. You know... So, where's old Jocelyn these days? Did she kill herself?
...Close... she's in Saskatoon.

Yeah, haha. Okay. I'm going now. If you really need me, you can continue to not email me at just as you do now.

hey, weird fact!
Wednesday, March 28, 2001 @ 10:56 p.m.

my old page of pictures has survived aggressive internet startup takeovers and is now run by NBC. I'm surprised that I don't have my own TV show on Thursday nights right after friends. I could probably be almost as funny as them, and the beauty part about being me is, I write all my own jokes (as opposed to those Friends people who have 18 scriptwriters). Oh, the great ironies of life, eh?

self-esteem day
Tuesday, March 27, 2001 @ 09:59 p.m.

You know, I went and took the spark's sex test out of boredom, and it asked me a lot of difficult questions. Give three adjectives to describe myself. (I picked: tall, hopeless, and fabulous.) Then I had to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10. I didn't know what to say, so I gave myself an 8, because I think I'm pretty damn cool. But, gosh, I don't know. I mean, can anyone really look objectively around them and say, "I'm in the top 5%" (or the top 20% or whatever...) I have a lot of trouble making those kinds of judgements on myself.

Then it occurred to me that I could pose this question on my suddenly-opoular website for reader input-- the only problem with this approach being that (a) most people don't know what I look like and (b) I'm not sure if I want to know the opinion of anyone who's not (a) kissing me at the exact moment of the conversation or (b) my mother. So, please don't vote. But send a little happy vibe my way-- i'm going to get this right someday, you know.

PS: I don't want to know

rate me, baby

PS: new BranVan3000 single = v. good.

Glenn's Happy Song Corner
Tuesday, March 27, 2001 @ 07:21 p.m.

I would like to take this moment in my rather busy day to share with you a little poem I wrote about Glenn, the manly astronaut:

oh i am a manly astronaut
ho, ho, ho
i sit aloft in my penis-shaped shuttle
ho, ho, ho
and watch the earth from high above

an astronaut's a manly thing to be
controls in hand i bet you're dying to be me
but i have a secret pain
can't see my face, don't know my name
i'm so tired of being technology's whore

and the safety belt's constrictive
the shoes too tight, the gloves repressive
the nights are cold in space...
oh an astronaut's is a lonely life indeed.

girlboy list amendment
Monday, March 26, 2001 @ 07:10 p.m.

i want a boy who will tell me stories that begin, "when i was little..." and end happily.

tim has a well-written and charming pita. two other reasons you should visit it: one, it has a shockingly naked moose, and two, when i went to it a few minutes ago my computer spontaneously printed out all six pages of it for me. now that's good pitas.

also, i need to tell you about thinkgeek. I ordered a shirt from them on thursday and it arrived today-- speedy service! they have swanky clothes for geeks, and other related miscellany such as stickers, telescopes, etc. my only complaint was that they charged me an arm and a leg to ship to canada-- US$14, about $25 Canadian. Other than that, though, it was a very pleasant online shopping experience which I would recommend to anyone.

While you are in edmonton, the cultural centre of Canada, be sure to visit such attractions as West Edmonton Mall, the historic legislative buildings, and... um... the giant cowboy boot.

In San Diego last Christmas I looked up Edmonton in a guidebook, and they said it was "the cultural centre of Canada." I wonder if they accidentally landed in the wrong city-- they were actually in Vancouver, maybe, and no one set them straight?-- anyway, I looked up restaurants in their guide, and they recommended all my favourites, including zenari's downtown, which i thought was a well-kept secret. i felt, i don't know, broken open.

Also: at a gas station in the Mara desert in eastern Kenya, we were talking to the attendant, who asked us if Edmonton was anywhere near Saskatoon. Seriously! He also said that he doesn't know what Quebec has to complain about: "If it wasn't for you, they'd be speaking German right now."

Everyone in Kenya has a cousin in Toronto. Proposition: everyone everywhere has a cousin in Toronto. I hate toronto.

somos un manojo de fascistas
Monday, March 26, 2001 @ 05:29 p.m.

hey, jeff, check it out! we're on techtv! oooooh, this is exciting.

OK, marketing question. If I were to print, or rather get printed, some swanky vinyl deletia stickers, would you buy 'em-- cheap, say 2 for $1? I ask because stickers that say "GIRLS LIE," or "NOW AVAILABLE IN TANGERINE!" are cool, but no one wants, say, 1200 of them unsold in a cardboard box under their desk. So, vote:

What say you to deletia stickers?

It's very strange. I go to sleep, and when I wake up, my afternoon is *poof* gone. Very sad.

who's got the schwa, bitch?
Sunday, March 25, 2001 @ 10:08 p.m.

Five people who should have won more oscars:

  • ang lee
  • penelope cruz
  • kevin spacey
  • Ashley Judd
  • hmmmm...
  • Me, because I talk acerbically to the TV like John's grandmother in A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY

Angie: Skeeeechers!

Jeff: the first one.

Meghan: hey, our stickers are in Eureka, CA!

Other people: no secret message for you, dumbass.

After a five-hour trial I can confirm what I have always suspected: blondes REALLY DO have more fun. And I have more fun than most blondes.

I can't think of much to say, is it showing?

The Top Ten Unmailable Materials, Bitch
Saturday, March 24, 2001 @ 02:26 p.m.

Ten things Canada Post doesn't want you to send, dumbass (reference: The Canada Postal Guide, current to Jan. 2001)
  1. Aerosol
  2. Acetone
  3. oxygen
  4. adhesives
  5. ink
  6. batteries
  7. seed cakes
  8. calcium
  9. candles
  10. wet cotton

Hmmm... What to send to cousin Myrtle in Armpit, Manitoba for her birthday? Hey, I've got it! Nail polish remover... glue... and a wet Eddie Bauer hoodie!

look, you can find a grave!
Thursday, March 22, 2001 @ 12:16 p.m.

i searched for emily bronte, but i think this must only be for the US.

localized fragmentation
Wednesday, March 21, 2001 @ 07:12 p.m.

i want the air song "highschool lover" played at my funeral. i am counting on you guys to see that this wish of mine is carried out.

i finally got my credit card, and meghan and i ordered emily strange bags and stickers over the internet. also, i got my precious picked last in gym tshirt. actually, it's all rather disappointing. i've been caught up in this lust for various things lately and i will now sit back and relax (and wait for orders from emily strange, unamerican activities, bust and now and zen). life is not about collecting objects. it's about getting laid!

If I had $1,000,000, I would buy you this bed.

i walked into a door today. and last night i burned my finger on the oven filament-thing. yeah. ouch.

the guy in my history class who i am in love with wears the same pants as me. meghan suggested i should use this as an icebreaker: "so, what are you doing wearing women's pants anyway?"

Well, anyway, I've got homework to do, so you know what that means... time to deep-vaccuum my desk.


To do list
Tuesday, March 20, 2001 @ 12:09 p.m.

  • Play KISS THE GIRL (From The Little Mermaid) very loudly and bake cookies
  • Mail cookies to everyone I know over the internet
  • Build small shrine in room to elle macpherson
  • sort out next year's university schedule
  • write great american novel
  • take dog for walk
  • go outside and stand in my backyard screaming, "Why, GOD, WHY?!?"
  • sew large american flag to hang from lantern-post in front yard
  • get shot up by scary alberta redneck with gunrack
  • phone Manny
  • Watch That Seventies show
  • Write and memorize Spanish oral presentation for tomorrow

Yesterday I was listening to Power 92 (I suck, I know), and they were phoning random people and saying, "Are you Rahim Jaffer? I thought I was Rahim Jaffer," and even though it's stupid it made me laugh.

deletia : endgame*
Monday, March 19, 2001 @ 09:22 p.m.

How old do I look like I am? Because an old woman at work asked me if I had a son. A SON?!? No, I don't have a son! I was very polite though. "Uh, no. Not yet." You know, someday I'm going to get a normal job, and I'm going to be bored to death.

"I believe eclecticism is a virtue. It may not even be a word, but it's a virtue." -Will Smith

*a reference to the completely obtuse Samuel Beckett play we are reading in English. I hate it because it's pointless. I love it because it has two old people with no legs who live in ashbins.

i think it's time for a little...
Sunday, March 18, 2001 @ 10:57 p.m.


"manny" is the name of the bank-guy who finally gave me my credit card (this took place in the exciting last episode of deletia). in his honour i have made my new pitas password "manny". If you want to you can update my website for me.

where collaborative web projects go to die
Sunday, March 18, 2001 @ 08:51 p.m.

click on the link above. do you remember my interactive bad teenage poem? vaguely? well, while we've all been getting on with our lives the internet has been adding to it... slowly... and without putting in any line breaks. it's brutal. i think bad teenage poetry has crossed a line now.

i'm starting to pick out my courses for next year. too much choice! send me back to high school, where it was "art" or... um... i think my school had drama. art or drama. now i just browse through this calendar the size of a phone book with a highlighter. i'm probably going to have the least cohesive university program ever, because i just keep taking courses i'm interested in. (next year: a history of science and technology, how science affects culture [both to avoid having to take an actual science course], introductory psych and sociology, three english courses [shakespeare, short stories, and canadian lit], intermediate spanish, introductory film studies, and art history.)

oh, also, my guestbook is really fucked up. i'm not sure what happened to it but I think i'll get another one soon.

The Simpsons is on now! I have to go.