"Do these chickens have large talons?" -Napoleon Dynamite

"We are number one. All others are number two or lower." -Mystery Men

"I don't believe in little Jewish Santa anymore." -Buffy


email me:

currently reading...



back to Pitas.com!


i can hear myself breathing and be quite amused
Sunday, February 6, 2005 @ 09:41 a.m.


definitely not stealing files
Sunday, February 27, 2005 @ 08:51 p.m.

head smashed in buffalo jump


you know what a fool i am, with my short attention span
Sunday, February 27, 2005 @ 11:18 a.m.

Something I wrote in my English presentation that I'm particularly proud of:

"Weyland as anthropologist; the idea of "saving cultures from death," but really Weyland needs death to save him from culture."

Like The Sphinx from Mystery Men. "He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions."

"You play poker on this table? That is -so- gay." -One of the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

I enjoy ascribing particular thoughts and emotions to people in catalogues, who often have these really serious looks on their faces like they're saving children from starving instead of selling clothes. It's a game I play by myself. "I remember how sad and unfulfilled I used to be before I got this hoodie." "We're so in love-- we should get matching ringer Ts for everyone at our wedding."


"Good idea. Drinking will help us plan!" -Moe
Friday, February 25, 2005 @ 12:50 p.m.

Meghan and I both bought our boyfriends glarkware shirts for Christmas that say "my girlfriend can totally beat up your girlfriend." A while ago at the Bombay Palace while eating cheap curry I was pondering what would happen if both James and Jon were wearing their shirts and Meg and I had to fight.

Meghan: Don't you remember, we did!
Jocelyn: What happened?
Meghan: I kicked your ass!

I got into grad school! They sent me a letter yesterday. In September 2005 I will be on my way to becoming the hottest librarian in the prairie provinces and taking classes in such exciting topics as "web design for usability" and such. I'm actually pretty psyched about it. It started out as this filler project, like, well I have nothing to do I might as well get a master's degree, but as time has gone on I've actually warmed to the idea a lot. To the extent that I felt vaguely nauseated with nervousness as I opened the letter. (Pretty much anything even vaguely stressful or exciting can make me ill.) I wrote all this stuff for my statement of intent, "Only people trained in the structure and organization of information will really be equipped to work in a world where computers and the internet are increasingly relevant," and as I was writing it, I was like, maybe I actually believe that. So now I'm going to find out.

your mom goes to grad school.


will you still remember?
Sunday, February 20, 2005 @ 11:20 a.m.

I didn't get very much sleep, but while I was making some new minidiscs I found some jellybeans in my bag!

Overall score for the day so far: -2


one, two, three, fourteen!
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 @ 03:27 p.m.

As you begin work on an academic project, don't forget to check if the author of the work you are studying has a blog. The author of The Vampire Tapestry, my Englih 483 group project topic, has one-- it's even hosted on livejournal. so surreal!

I am going to volunteer for a program here in Edmonton teaching underpriviliedged children to learn how to read, essentially. There must be more to life than being incredibly good-looking, and I plan on finding out what that is. Seriously, though, I have an interview and orientation session later this week. Right now, in day-off mode, I feel like doing nothing that involves leaving my house; but I'm assuming that that too will grow old, after awhile. Also, if I have nothing in my life but work I am going to go insane. There is a good reason I have always been in school, and that reason is that I am only 22. But also I hate working, and when I do nothing but work I become a crabby, stressed-out, sleeping-all-the-time-and-not-in-a-good-way version of myself.

Speaking of being 22, last night as I was going to bed I thought of something, and I don't remember what it was, but I was like, "oh well, I'm only 22," and then I was like, "AM I 22!?!" and I honestly couldn't remember whether I was 21 or 22. It was a scary moment. There was mental math.

Last night on Jeopardy there was a category in which all the answers had to be spelled from the letters in "ETRUSCAN," and that was some hard shit. I have never been so thoroughly trounced by JEopardy (although not, obviously, in the sense of actually being on the show or winning the kind of money you can spend on things-- all I get is glory)

I hate this stupid web page. It's so ugly and arcane.

I wish I was a real pirate so I could get the hell out of here.


st. misanthrope's day
Monday, February 14, 2005 @ 05:23 p.m.

hey, super-friends!

i worked for the afternoon, and now I am waiting for my class to begin. I am SO hungry! If any of you bastards really loved me, you would courier me some roses-- made of rice! Or some spring rolls. Or something. I might go buy myself some cookies, because on Valentine's day, you buy things for the one you love-- and for conceited people (as Oscar Wilde once remarked, only much more wittily) that person is oneself.


So I sort of hate Valentine's day, but do you know what I hate more? John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Mehan and I thought of our own rival self-help franchise entitled "Men are From Vermillion, Women Are From Leduc," which we felt better explains the actual difference between the sexes. Which was much less pronounced before the aforementioned pseudo-doctor began writing articles which can be summarized thusly:

"Chicks, man. Chicks."


oh boy
Tuesday, February 8, 2005 @ 01:02 p.m.

the su computer lab has also switched to firefox! all the cool kids love this browser, because it is much, much cuter than internet explorer. and that, friends, is all that really matters.

i'm excited because tonight i get to have two of my favourite things: chicken curry and bellinis. both on special. though not at the same restaurant.

Also James keeps sending me emails full of winking emoticons and I have no idea what he's talking about. It's extremely confusing.

I know I'm borng but I'm trying to post, overcome my lethargy and perhaps recapture my earlier genius. Does anyone remember my play about sperm? Or all my haikus? Those were good times! What happened to us, internet, baby?


i saw the life aquatic with steve zissou again
Saturday, February 5, 2005 @ 10:55 p.m.

"Either they can't hear us, or they don't understand."
"Son of a bitch. I'm sick of these dolphins." -Noah Taylor, and Bill Murray, in The Life Aquatic

Whoa, firefox is making my broswer shaky. It vibrates up and down and makes me feel like I am going to throw up. ANd not in a good way.


software update
Friday, February 4, 2005 @ 02:27 p.m.

I downloaded firefox, because I keep hearing good things about it. So far I like it a lot. When I installed it, it asked me, "do you want to import your stuff from internet explorer?" and I was like "yes please!" and it set my bookmarks and home page and everything. It seems friendly.

Basically, I will do whatever WIRED magazine tells me to do. Use firefox! Eat more vegetables! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains!

Yes, WIRED. Besides, I keep finding all this spyware on my computer, and I get really annoyed with that. Microsoft controls everyone's computers, they should do a better job of designing secure software. Of course, WIRED told me to say that.

"he treats objects like women, man!" -The Dude, The Big Lebowski

Marge: You know, just because you were invited to join a freak show doesn't mean you have to.
Homer [blankly]: You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people.


i am a poor wayfaring stranger
Monday, January 31, 2005 @ 02:02 p.m.

hi gang.

I'd like to say I've had some great excuse for never updating, like I had a baby or got married or got a disease or went on a trip, but really I just haven't felt like it. And I guess I am sorry about that, but I'm sorry I haven't felt like it, not that I haven't updated. Selfish, right?

I did something great, though: I finished a quilt. I've never made anything so big before. It's multiple square feet! And it's mostly orange! It's the only thing I can point to over the past few weeks that I've done and really felt proud of. I'll be like, "well, I never do anything anymore... but I did make a quilt." I sit wrapped in in on the couch, watching episode after eipsode of Firefly.

oh, and Meghan and I sang a song at Jon's karaoke night on Saturday. That's something that requres overcoming shyness, and not being ashamed of sucking. So I feel pretty good about that.

I am still here.


I am having the worst day in the world
Monday, January 17, 2005 @ 06:10 p.m.

My dad: "Oh, Jocelyn, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. [portentous pause] What's the difference between consignment and buyback?"

I had to go work in the post office for 4 hours today and there was what my boss kindly termed "an incident."

And not the kind of incident where I kick ass and take names, although that would have been nice.

All I want to do is go home and see if I got any mail, but instead I have to go to my evening class and act interested and be productive. Sometimes I am SO TIRED of being productive. Yesterday, for example, I didn't take off my pyjamas for the entire day and it was AWESOME!!!

Tendencies of mine that might cause a person to reasonably conclude I am a twelve-year-old girl:

  1. Multiple exclamation marks, plus I dot my 'i's with hearts*
  2. I love THE WONDER YEARS (OK, a 12-year-old-girl from the 80s)
  3. Dancing around to Michael Jackson
  4. Sometimes when cute boys show up on the TV, I actually say out loud, "ooh!"
  5. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (although I did, actually, when I was 12)
  6. __________ poster in bedroom (I started writing that, but then I was like, who do the kids lust for these days? I mean, when I was growing up it was the New Kids on the Block, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Devon Sawa and Leonardo DiCaprio. But these days those people are all old and no longer cool. So maybe this one doesn't belong on this list, it belongs on the list, "People who my contemporaries were in love with when I was in junior high.")
  7. I cry all the time

* not really


yee hee.
Thursday, January 13, 2005 @ 06:01 p.m.

I'm in the top ten google hits for "scissorfoot," and when you type in "scissorfoot" to google, google helpfully asks you, "did you mean scissorfight?"


My new semester is going OK. I've been very sick for the past few days, and I have to say that at various points I've felt like giving up on this whole enterprise. Life, academia, work, relationships... it all suddenly seems meaningless when I'm sick. I'm not kidding. Isn't that stupid? I have all these philosophical justifications for the value of life, which have to do with art and the sublime and my cute puppy and humans' responsibilities for ourselves and our own well-being and that of our species and the planet. But on a bad day I'll just be like, "meh. My head hurts. Just kill me." Obviously I'm not very committed!

I'm reading Bram Stoker's Dracula right now, and I gotta say, it's awesome. I've never read it before and it's actually a fun read. I want to rent the 1992 movie version, which has in it my erstwhile movie-crush from junior high, Cary Elwes. And yesterday, also as part of my Dracula-kick, I watched VAN HELSING which my sister OWNS ON DVD (!-- I know, you can send her hate mail). Everyone's euro-accents are hilarious. I also love how, in the book, everyone is so clueless-- because obviously, they don't live in a culture saturated with retellings of the Dracula story. Because as I'm reading it, I'm like, "hello! Team of super-friends! If you leave Mina alone in the insane asylum at night, Dracula is going to drink her Bloooooooood!"

Stupid super-friends.

Willow: Well, I think we have Dracula factoids.
Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master... Bator.
On McSweeney's: cruel nicknames for overweight vampires.

When will my vampire kick end? Not until my class is over!


no, seriously.
Monday, January 10, 2005 @ 05:55 p.m.


I've just had this really long, hectic day in which I felt like I was going to cought until I threw up in between consigning peoples' books. And I've been sneezing explosively all over peoples' belongings. It's hiLARious

My vampire literature class starts tonight! Yay!


Monday, January 10, 2005 @ 01:36 p.m.

Please buy me NyQuil.


you can't swim but you can't fly
Sunday, January 2, 2005 @ 07:50 p.m.

I'm really crushing on The Sadies these days. There was a song of theirs on the mix CD Phil sent me, and then I downloaded some, and they play on the new Neko Case album. I'm working full-time in January... which gives me a good excuse to make some new mix cds. I don't know why no one I work with cares what we listen to, but it's OK with me.

I'm working on my grad school application, which I hope to have in within 2 weeks... it's stressful, actually. They make you do so much mailing and filling out and running around. It's probably just to keep out the riffraff. Like, "People who can't focus on a simple task like eight million different forms and payments and ertified transcripts and reference letters? Pish posh! We don't need that kind of scum around here!"

Well, I'm not that kind of scum. But I do have to work awfully hard at it. And as I said to my mom, I've now spent on prepaid courier envelopes, so they'd BETTER let me in... otherwise that's wasted money. ANd not even wasted on anything cool.

Cool things you can waste money on:

  • alcoholic drinks, preferably slushy
  • Books you aren't going to read, that look good on your shelf

I had a dream that James bought me knitting needles that cost .50, from Zellers. And when I told him that that was outrageous for knitting needles, he said crabbily, "It doesn't matter! Let's just go!" And then weirdly I was AT Zellers with him today, because of forces beyong both of our control. No new needles, though.

I have a cool new nickname: Scissorfoot. If you use it and you aren't cool, you risk seeming like a moron.

I'm pretty sure I have tonsilitis. Or I may just be really bored.


i'll always wish i was with you
Saturday, January 1, 2005 @ 05:29 p.m.

Not that great, right? I got nuthin'. I have to go watch Simpsons, anyway.


Friday, December 31, 2004 @ 10:24 a.m.

My parents and sister are gone to Calgary to spend New Year's Eve with some friends there. And they took the dog. So I am home alone, until tonight when my friends and I are going to do karaoke. I don't really notice my family being gone, but I miss my dog. THat seems terrible. But he's the only one who's always around, and if I'm sitting he's in my lap or lying down right underneath my chair with his chin on the floor like a philosopher. I was putting some cheese on a bagel, and I dropped a piece on the floor, and called for him to come and eat it before I remembered he wasn't here. It's weird how you get used to things.

I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions, because I never keep them. But I do think I will attempt to respond more promptly to emails, especially from friends, and try to keep up correspondences. There are lots of people who I used to have regular contact with, and no longer do, partly because of my own laziness.

I've done nothing over this holiday, but it hasn't been nearly as rewarding as I expected. I'm never satisfied, because I'm always either bored or stressed; there's no in-between. It's stupid.

I'm going to redesign this page.


Sunday, December 26, 2004 @ 11:04 p.m.

Jocelyn: "I'm pretty sure I'll be fine once I get back to sleeping normally"
My mom: "When did you sleep normally before? In junior high?"

One of the coolest presents I got for CHristmas/my birthday this year was a sticker machine from my sister, who used to work at michael's and is crafty. I have made SO MANY things into stickers in the past 4 days. Does anyone want some of my cool stickers made from used-bookstore children's encyclopedias? Oh yeah. Hot.

I read an article on MSN about what men are the most likely to marry me. I don't know why I find these msn articles so compelling. They're like Cosmoplitan magazine: I know it's wrong, but somehow I can't resist. Like I'm going to start "trying to get ahead at the office" or introduce sexy tips to spice up my love life or something at ANY MINUTE. Whereas we all know that I really spend all my time playing with my new digital camera and making things into stickers.


Saturday, December 25, 2004 @ 01:25 p.m.

James gave me a set of new nose studs for Christmas, and I tried to put one of them in, but I am incapable. I can take out and put in my old stud with no problem, but the new ones are littler and make my nose bleed. So. Nothing says Christmas like a nosebleed.

I also got a digital camera for Christmas from my parents so I anticipate lots of photo entries from now on... which is nice, because it means I can stop feeling the pressure to write all the time. Oh wait, what pressure? Never mind.

I have already eaten 4 of my Belgian chocolates and I am trying to find someone to play Trivial Pursuit with me. But no one will. Christmas Buffy perhaps? Why do we spend so much time anticipating this holiday when really, what it comes down to is eating things with gravy on and throwing out a lot of paper and ribbons. Also my dog is bewildered. "What are you people doing? Why is everybody sitting around? WHy aren't we out WALKING?"

I never sleep anymore. I'm exhausted and getting sick.

If you can, watch the firelog channel.

And a happy new year,


Friday, December 24, 2004 @ 10:10 p.m.


If they hadn't eliminated the blink tag from HTML, you would I would turn it on for you.