a huge-ass collage thing

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birthday countdown

35 days

what's newer

wish list

beanie babies (the frog, and the squid)
all the natalie merchant CDs
matchbox cars
a STAR WARS lunchbox (tin, not plastic!)
finger puppets (plush ones!)
1,000,000 mini eggs
501 Spanish Verbs
a watch
a new alarm clock
the jack soul cd
a phone
a CD burner
a rock/pottery fountain
fish in a cube (not really! I would be terrorized)
satsuma turtles
XPresspost-- seriously. I always send it out, but no one ever sends it to me.
a new identity

what's new

just send me something, okay? it will make me happy.



kenya '99


divide by zero

like ducks in a row:
angie pitas
bomberboy pitas
buffalo pitas
cowgirl pitas
curried pitas (yum!)
fatduck pitas
femme fatale pitas
pandora's pitas
pushplay pitas


varscona improv
the sims
age of consent
feels like
emily : still strange
angrybob apostrophe
red balloon
disgruntled housewife
chickclick network
atlantic unbound

l < subversive > ?
boys [suck]
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I've been
fucking imood
since March 1st, 2k!

strictly speaking, this page is optimized for netscape @ 800x600... but does anyone care? no.

stray2k productions

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

Friday, November 17, 2000 @ 09:39 p.m.

my mutant cold has fizzled into a mean headache and a vague feeling of inadequacy.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

Thursday, November 16, 2000 @ 07:24 p.m.

Sometimes something relatively insignificant happens to you, and it just restores (or increases) your faith in the people around you. Someone returned my lost U of A clipboard, somewhere in the universe, and it ended up in "U of A Distribution Services, Materials Management Building"-- and they sent it, expedited mail, to me. How nice is that? At several stages of the operation, someone could have said, "fuck this" and thrown it in the garbage-- but instead they did the nice thing, and I got it back.

I love people sometimes.

Meghan and I went back to visit Stratford today and ended up chatting with Mrs. Belyea for two hours, which was a lot of fun. It was reassuring to see that the school still operates without us, and everything is pretty much as we left it inspite of the changes in our own lives. Mr. Larb greeted us with "I thought they didn't let Marxist-Leninists in here!", Miss Ament was complaining about her Grade 10s, and Mrs. Belyea demanded the inside information on our love lives. I also got the inevitable "Are you and Chris still together?" question four times, and in each case my newly enlightened former teacher expressed some dismay, but Mr. larb was very encouraging: "you gotta play the field!"

I got mail with a barcode on it! i got mail with a barcode on it! And two secret admirers, although obviously I can't tell you who they are.

New in the left column: my christmas wish list. I don't think I am copying Jeff, because I think we talked about this quite awhile ago, but if I imagined that conversation and I AM copying him, then I apologize.

You have NO excuse if you get me an uncool Christmas present.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

to my anonymous email box friend:
Wednesday, November 15, 2000 @ 09:17 p.m.

um... Is it Winnifred?

I am such a fucking genius, I swear.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

Wednesday, November 15, 2000 @ 04:00 p.m.

"The way we know the kids are growing up? The bite marks are higher" -Phyllis Diller

I am going to work now. Meghan: I meant to call you last night. Maybe I will tonight.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

you're napalm with novocaine, a kite in a hurricane
Wednesday, November 15, 2000 @ 09:03 a.m.

i decided to skip spanish this morning and tell you about the dream i had last night. in this dream, jeff and me and my sister wanted to go swimming in our pool (we lived, for some reason, in my house in Toronto, and, in my dream at least, it had a pool), but there was some curly-haired guy who looked like Matthew McConnaghey or however you spell it and he and his girlfriend had parked their car in our driveway. We asked them to leave and they wouldn't. We went inside to call the police and they started banging on the doors and windows of the house with sticks and blocks of wood and things. when i finally got through to 9-1-1, she asked what the problem was, and I said, "a parking violation," and she laughed at me. meanwhile Matthew and his girlfriend were swimming in MY swimming pool and making threatening gestures, and Jeff and my sister had disappeared. It was VERY troubling.

Actually, it wasn't. Even as I was asleep and this was happening, I was thinking, "what a ridiculous dream."

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

one year ago:
Sunday, November 12, 2000 @ 07:00 p.m.

"I spent my morning spares talking to Nicki. She thinks Gabe is giving her an engagement ring for Christmas. They're both insane if you ask me.
I told Chris this and he drew a ring on my left middle finger and wrote inside it: 'Engage!'"


"I met my friends in front of the theatre, wandered into the arcade-area to find Cam in his cardboard Burger King/Pokemon crown (from Courtney to Angie to Cam.) 'Jocelyn! You are welcome in the Burger Kingdom!'

I was so glad to see my friends.

Is that a hot dog?


Hot dogs are not welcome in the Burger Kingdom!


We went to see the movie BEING JOHN MALKOVICH. It's so funny. Not the kind of funny where I would want my parents to watch, though. There's this guy, the always-loveable John Cusack (but with New, Improved Stringy Long Hair!) and he first interviews for a job on the 7 1/2 floor. He has to push the emergency stop button to get off between floors, and there's 7 1/2, with such low ceilings that everyone walks around stooped. That's the best thing in the movie, in my opinion. Anyway, he finds out his office has this door in the wall that leads into a muddy tunnel, which in turn leads in John Malkovich's head. You can be John Malkovich for 15 minutes, and then it spits you out by the New Jersey turnpike. It's so cool!


We rode the bus back to Cam's house, Jocelyn now in the Burger King crown. (Alex said I looked the best in it of anyone.) Once we got there, Cam, Chris and Angie went out to buy an ice cream cake and Alex and I did the journal crossword.

When Cam, Chris and Angie get back: "They only had one cake left..." and Chris leans down so I can read it. "Happy Birthday You Sexy Bitch," with Fred Flinstone. Lucky Angie!

So we put the single candle roughly where Fred's genitalia should be: "blow Fred!"


I want sexy!

I want bitch!

ANGIE [cutting the cake]
Does anyone want Fred's feet?

I do!


So, that was a year ago, with the sexual escapades edited out, since that would be bad form. How much of it do you remember?

Less than one week ago: sitting in Zenari's, pretending our spoons were blimps/submarines/trains...

I totally love you guys.

Happy birthday, Angie.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

in which i beg for your sympathy and act needy
Sunday, November 12, 2000 @ 05:25 p.m.

i'm miserable. for one thing, i have laryngitis and a sinus headache, and for another, my period started today (53 days-- a brand new record!). also, i hardly got any sleep last night-- i kept waking up coughing (and once with a nosebleed). also, my dog ate a bunch of my pills and i thought he was going to die. it's, like, "test jocelyn's moral fortitude day". please phone me and tell me you love me, because i feel really, really horrible. i have been sitting here like suicide on a stick for 16 hours. this has been a public service announcement. thank you.

inspired by this kvetch: "Breaking up with people is not cool. Being broken up with is not cool. Not being in love with your boy is not cool. Cheating is not cool. Being cheated on is not cool. Being alone is not cool. Being in a long distance relationship is not cool. Being haunted by exes is not cool. Haunting other people is not cool. Pining for people is not cool. Crying in your room is not cool. Crying after sex is not cool. Saying someone else's name during sex is not cool. Losing someone you care about is not cool. Not being able to make decisions is not cool. That is all."

also: laryngitis is not cool.
bad sex is not cool.
guilt is not cool.
loneliness is not cool.
my past is very not cool.
and, of course, sexually transmitted diseases are not cool.
the phrase "not cool," however, is the epiphany of cool.

now, use that little bravenet comment box to send me a little email. all you have to write is, "don't you mean epitome?"

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

pitas taste bad when you're sick
Saturday, November 11, 2000 @ 03:47 p.m.


i'm sick.

everything tastes bad, even stuff that normally tastes good, like peanut butter and iced tea in cans and candies shaped like lego and steaks smothered in mushroom gravy. all i feel like eating is soup.

i should get a lot of sleep so i'm ready for the next scholastic week.

(it's scholastic!)

but is that what i am going to do?

i think not!

i think i will go out late every night this weekend, eat nothing but mini kitkat bars, have sex with strange men i find in the subway, feed onions to my dog, leave my seatbelt unbuckled, and say "fucking" a lot.

because i'm a teenager!

and that's what teenagers do. right or left?

i am so tired of this right-aligned column. i want to redesign my pita. Or rather, I want someone else to redesign it for me.

do you ever look at yourself, realize you're the most absolutely boring person who ever lived, and then slam your forehead into your desk repeatedly until you feel better?

me neither.

good god, i'm sorry. i'm not the girl i made myself out to be. you thought i was going to be interesting, right? you thought i would be funny, and smart, and beautiful, and that i would step into your life and make it magical, and that would be that. well, that's not ever going to happen. i'm a lot like you-- mortal, insecure. i'm not-- i don't know-- steel and mirrors. i'm fire and paper. i'm tired and my throat hurts. i can't be your superhero, your destiny, your focus, your big misunderstanding.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

Thursday, November 9, 2000 @ 03:09 p.m.

"you can collect taxes... or yams!" -my anthro prof, on why it's good to be king

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

Thursday, November 9, 2000 @ 02:59 p.m.

...i'm falling apart!

angie referred me to explodingdog.com, and (as jeff says) if it kicked any more ass, it would be kicking its own ass. These stick people make me cry.

did you guys both know that you both write your name "...ery"? And you're both virgos? Is this weird at all?

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

Thursday, November 9, 2000 @ 02:43 p.m.

Build Me Up, Buttercup is the only good song in the universe.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

Thursday, November 9, 2000 @ 02:41 p.m.

I kiss you! Muah!

I bet you had just gotten used to the idea that I was dead.

Well, I'm not. Get un-used to it.

I'm trying to talk Meghan into moving in with me, at least for the weekend.

Did you know that we Canadians get to choose a new President Prime Minister soon too? I don't get to vote because I skipped grade 4! Figure that one out!

No HUB mall food in 2 days. V. good.

Play review: The Orphan Muses, U of A Studio Theatre
It sucks.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

by the springtime they let me know you were gone
Monday, November 6, 2000 @ 03:54 p.m.

sometimes i would like to step out of my smock, drop my backpack on the slushy backhall floor, tell my parents and friends i'm leaving forever, put on my favourite jeans, and go searching for something i lost a long time ago.

she said shut up i know it's only in my head

the one where i sleepwalk through your dreams
Sunday, November 5, 2000 @ 04:41 p.m.


a. bill gates made some interesting comments at the seattle conference on the digital divide to the effect that what the third world needs is better health care and education, not computers. how superreal is that? he admits his former stance on a PC on every desktop (and mud floor), in every home, across the world was "naive" and his own charity work has helped him to realize his mistake.

b. The Virgin & The Hag: Women In The Tempest

c. i am procrastinating to beat the band today. Why does "beat the band" always sound like a sexual euphemism of some kind?

d. Revelation: I have more money than I think I have. Also: I have six new kinds of lip balm, and they came in a little pink plastic "treasure chest". The packaging advises me to keep my lip smackers, hair accessories, and "notes from [my] B.F." in the treasure chest. But is B.F. best friend or boyfriend? They had better both write me a note just so I have all my bases covered.

e. Why does "having all my bases covered" always sound like a sexual euphemism? Oh, yeah, because it IS.

f. This morning my father rear-ended someone, and we got to go into the westend police station to file a police report. This building, if you have ever seen it, looks like a real life LEGO building. I was thrilled. The police were very nice and organized.

g. is for giraffe.

This is the bottom, stupid. There's nothing here. Go back up to the top.