"yes, i have read a poem. try not to faint." -Mal, serenity

i know you have a heavy heart.
i can feel it when we kiss.
so many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it.
but me i'm not a gamble
you can count on me to split.
the love i sell you in the evening
by the morning will be gone.
-bright eyes, lua

"Talking, talking. Spinning a web of words, pale walls of dreams, between myself and all I see." -John Gardner, Grendel

"I don't have a sense of irony. I just have a sense of abysmally deep sadness." -Werner Herzog

"This is the puppet hospital and burn unit. [pause] it's relatively new." -Charlie and the Chocolate Factory


email me:

back to!
this is the first day of my life
Thursday, October 13, 2005 @ 05:34 p.m.

the last issue of dwell i bought had pictures of los angeles taken from the air. the caption on the last photo said, "these images imply an incessant search for sanctuary that never ends." thought 1: that is a beautiful articulation of what i think cities are, at eye-level they seem dirty and ugly, like some expression of what's worst about people; but from the air they look beautiful, ordered, like something created by god. they are the greatest achievements and the greatest sorrows of humanity made concrete. thought 2: "incessant" and "never ending"? how redundant.

my greatest hope today is for little dish-monkeys who will come to my apartment and wash all my dishes. when i get home the first thing i see is all my pots, dirty, in a mountainous pile. (except one huge one that i can't ascertain the function of, it has a stainless-steel inner pot that fits inside that's full of holes. for steaming? what am i going to steam? i have no idea. thus this pot never gets used. although i may end up cooking something else, like soup, in it if i get really desperate.)

i've had this long dry spell in which there were no movies i wanted to see, but this week i'm making it to three: serenity (for the second time), where the truth lies and a history of violence. after i go to the last of these tonight, i will make inevitable can-content comparisons between atom egoyan and david cronenberg, forcing them to fight to the death for the title of "greatest Canadian indie yet mainstream filmmaker." films concerning incest, dead babies being buried in yards, or "the farm" will be disqualified.

(sub-point... I hate this Canadian obsession with "the farm," in the sense that everyone has a farm somewhere in their past, and would be better off if they were more connected to it, and the values it represents. my family had a farm, and i used to visit it when i was a kid, and i hated it. i think the farm is a big waste of my time. at what point do we stop thinking of ourselves as dispossessed rural people?? i refuse to live in frank capra's vision of reality.)

i'm sick sick sick, and all my turkey leftovers are gone. but on the other hand, Courtney got me some Buffy from her fabulous pawn shop, so it's not an entirely wasted day. overall i give it five emo stars out of ten.


Monday, October 10, 2005 @ 03:37 p.m.

hi internet.

i'm back! i got internet and basic cable at home, justifying it by saying that I needed it for school. cable tv is so weird. i hadn't watched tv for months, and as soon as the cable guy hooked it up i was staring at it as if hypnotized. garfield was on, and he was making hilarious jokes about liking lasagna, and i felt like i had wandered into a weird, confusing parallel world. the cable guy was staring at me like i might have a learning disability or something. i have, like, 30 channels and the best thing i have found to watch (at this moment) is family feud. so that tells you something.


a web page i made for my IT class
Sunday, October 2, 2005 @ 07:23 p.m.

it's malarious. it has bad clip art and everything!


let me say the wrong thing
Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 12:58 p.m.

I invented a new word yesterday: malarious. It means something that is kind of horrifying and funny at the same time, like jokes about serial killers or Hurricane Katrina.

I'm totally going to be home for Simpsons today. haha! I thought I had to work, but when I arrived there it turned out I didn't. So I have this provedential free afternoon. I'm going to do things I would otherwise never get around to: wear a skirt and legwarmers, bake muffins, etc.

I'm watching the 2nd season of Gilmore Girls right now and I rejoice every time one of them wears the same thing twice. Rory had a jacket she wears ALL THE TIME. It's like real life.

In my information technology class today we started learning HTML, and I had this really weird moment half-asleep in my chair. I remember the feeling I used to have as a little kid when the teacher was explaining something I already knew. I always wanted to jump around waving my arms, shouting, "I already know this! I KNOW IT I KNOW IT! Let me show you!" and wearing my *genius* shirt. I felt a little bit like that today, like I could have done a couple of satisfying know-it-all jumps. But instead I just sat there feeling sorry for some of the other people in my class-- most of them get a stricken look on their faces with the mention of the letters "HTML," like they've been told they have avian flu.

(That was malarious!)

I'm going to see Serenity tonight. It can't possibly live up to about five months of hype and internal build-up, but if Wash says something funny and Kaylee looks cute, I'll be happy.


an actual link?!? what?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005 @ 12:15 p.m.

also on a shirt: publicly declare your love for jesus. and the coen brothers. (i have also seen "little lebowski urban achievers" shirts around campus, and they make me feel jealous. I should make this a devoted ironic tshirt blog. then i wouldn't feel so guilty about the fact that all my links are inevitably to ironic tshirts. what can i say, i think it's pretty much the only good thing the internet's got going for it these days-- in addition to maybe virtual reference sources. [library school again.])


Wednesday, September 28, 2005 @ 08:51 a.m.

I saw a guy with a funny shirt the other day. it was camoflauge, like those shirts that people who think they're in the army always wear, but on the front it said in big white letters: "HA! YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"

"And what better day to forgive and forget than DANISH DAY, the happiest of all days?" -Rory, Gilmore Girls

It's fall. YEsterday I was going downtown on the LRT to meet Meghan and the river valley looked so beautiful, almost a little too beautiful, like it had been airbrushed. ANd as our train went across the bridge we passed one going the other way, and I pretended that I was on the high level streetcar with Caleb, watching this sublime moment. When two LRT cars pass each other on the bridge, in the fall, it's sublime. TO a three year old it's heaven, and it felt kind of like heaven to me too.

Of course Caleb isn't three anymore, and neither am I.

this is the worst. keyboard. ever. (wearing a worst keyboard ever shirt and scowling, that's me)


it's been awhile, but i can still remember
Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 10:35 a.m.

i haven't had anything worth sharing with the world for awhile, but all that has changed, because i woke up this morning and i could tell it was going to be a bad day. partly because it was 5.18 am. and partly because i had hot sauce on my fingers.

someone killed mr. wiggly and friends, my fish that live outside my work, with bubble bath. we made up a pretend latin word for this: piscicide. what kind of a world do we live in? i ask you, rhetorically.

i have to go back to class now. but i'll be back soon. jb


Thursday, September 8, 2005 @ 12:57 p.m.

this "fuck you" goes out to whoever stole the front tire off my bike. Thanks. I don't have a car and I can't afford bus tickets, so now I have to walk everywhere. you're a big asshole. You might as well have stolen the front wheel off my heart. I hope you get peed on by a big mammal and then set on fire. Or that you used the money to buy alcohol that will eventually cause you to die of cirrhosis, alone and cold and without proper health insurance. Or that you come back for the rest of the bike, givig me a chance to kick you in the face. Or...


Wednesday, September 7, 2005 @ 12:08 p.m.

Rick Mercer: And next time you're in my neck of the woods, stop by. For some turnip. [because Bif Naked is a raw food vegan]
Bif Naked: Don't cook it!
RM: I wouldn't dream of it.

I watch whatever is on CBC at any given time, because it's the only channel that comes through nicely on my TV. and I am never home in time for Simpsons anymore. However it is documentary month, so at least I have that to look forward to.

"What I would realize, later, is that the writer's business is both to imagine the possible rescue of Piggy Sneed and to set the fire that will trap him." -John Irving, Trying to Save Piggy Sneed

Classes have begun. I think I'm going to have to get some internet at home, because I'm on all these mailing lists and things. I have many online responsibilities again, and if I have responsibilities I should have privileges. Like in Spiderman. The only thing is that my computer is ANCIENT, and I'm not convinced that any browser would run too nicely on it. Mostly, it is good for SimCity 2000. And that is mostly all.

It's too early to tell, in a practical way, whether library and information studies is something I will love or be good at, but in an abstract way I'm liking it so far. The past two days have invovled a lot of free food, and that's something I'm not in a financial situation to disdain. In the first class (this morning) a Powerpoint slide was put up listing "fundamental values of librarianship," and these include "public service," "protection of intellectual freedom," and "equity of access to information." Those things get me hot. Also, the building where I have all my classes is old and the marble steps are worn down from a hundred years of students' feet and there is a back stairway that goes up into the air, into nowhere. And it reminds me of the house from The Chronicles of Narnia. Romance will take you a long way, I've found.

Although another "historical foundation" of librarianship was "edification of the public," and "guiding reading choices," and I wrote in my notes, "FROM A CULTURAL STUDIES PERSPECTIVE THIS IS VERY PROBLEMATIC"

I'm so so so so so so so so so so so boring. and also poor. I originally wrote "spoor." now that would be an update on the jocelyn situation!

"it's like a greek tragedy or something."


pretending the bed is a boat
Friday, August 26, 2005 @ 04:52 p.m.

Spike: If cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
Wesley: You've been yelling at each other for 40 minutes. [pause] Do the astronauts have weapons?

Season 5 of Angel might be my favourite out of all of them. I am retroactively being disappointed that the show was cancelled when it was obviously still in its prime. But that's what TV networks are like-- they HATE good shows.

I read The Little Prince, which is a wonderful example of a childrne's book that is really for adults. We got a copy at my store and I made my sister buy it for me for only $10.

The grown-ups advised me to put away my drawings of boa constrictors, outside or inside, and apply myself instead to geography, history, arithmetic, and grammar. That is why I abandoned, at the age of 6, a magnificent career as an artist. I had been discouraged by the failure of my drawing Number One and of my drawing Number Two. Grownups never understand anything by themselves, and it is exhausting for children to have to provide explanations over and over again. (2)
I was always afraid that I would instantly turn into a grown up as soon as I was responsible completely for myself, but that has turned out not to be the case-- or perhaps I always was a grown up and I never noticed. Because I still buy dinosaur fruit snacks and jump around and listen to the Cure.

I'm hella stressed because I haven't gotten my student loan forms yet and I am perilously close to running out of money. But these things are tedious; books about space are better.

off to the mountains.


more than one ingredient in a single dish
Wednesday, August 24, 2005 @ 05:43 p.m.

James is moving into an apartment two blocks from me. I am over at his house right now and we are eagerly anticipating all the oddle noodle box Chinese food we are going to eat. He is packing and complaining that I ruined his life and I am playing on his internet. Just another quiet evening at home.

I'm sorry I haven't been updating this page at all. I think the problem is just that I used to do it whenever the urge struck, and now I have to plan and be organized, with schedules and forms in triplicate and maps of the sewer system and things, and it doesn't work out. I sit in front of a blank screen and feel as if the weight of ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY were upon me. And that's stressful, yo. Since you've undoubtedly never felt that way, just take my word for it.


Sunday, July 31, 2005 @ 06:40 p.m.


We went to the Calgary zoo. We saw a gorilla, and a baby macaque.


James looked at a waterfall.

Lila: I'm not one of the doe-eyed girls of Angel Investigations. Don't think about me when I'm gone.
Wesley: I wasn't thinking about you while you were here.
Meghan: That is some cold shit, man.


website update dispatch'd
Thursday, July 21, 2005 @ 04:52 p.m.

"Ask yourself this: if I killed Merle, then why did I bring DONUTS?" -Angel [currently watching season III, and developing a minor crush on wesley. wesley! i know! ewww! but he's so broody now, and he never gets any. joss whedon is an expert at ambiguously rehabilitating characters. wesley is hot now, but it's somehow believable.]

I went to Shakespeare in the park and then later that night I had a dream in iambic pentameter. sometimes my dreams make me so jealous, because if I could harness the complete creative power of my brain while I was actually AWAKE, think of the things I could accomplish! Novels! Performance art! Screenplays!

Also we went to a movie about penguins, and Courtney and I got drunk first and we were calling out the penguins for their inefficient mating and baby-rearing rituals. I think we were funny, although we might not have been. nature documentaries are sometimes so unabashedly biased. like this one was depicting the horrors of penguins being killed by leopard seals, and Morgan Freeman's sombre voice informs us over a close-up of the seal's cruel teeth: "This seal has taken two lives today: that of the female penguin, and her chick." At the time, under the veneer of sloshed cynicism, I couldn't help thinking how different things would be if we were watching the seal documentary. "The seal has finally found a meal, ensuring her survival for another harsh Antarctic winter." Well, maybe I don't want to be on Team Penguin, Morgan! Maybe I want to be on Team Seal! Or even an unrelated team that doesn't play in the Antarctic League, like Team Armadillo or Team Toby! But the movie doesn't give us the choice, and that offends me.

I am enjoying living by myself, the only drawback being that I get bored all the time. I think once I am back in class, in less than two months, this will change. My life will be like a montage-- me sitting at my desk eating Chinese takeout (the place near my house has take out in real little Chinese food boxes, and they have buttered chicken which is not even realy Chinese but rather Indian and delights me), me with cute highlighter dots on my face from chewing on my pens, me wrapped in a quilt reading thick, masters-degree sized textbooks while thawing out one of my delicious frozen mini-casseroles. It's always fall, and raining, in my montage, and somehow I look thinner. I know I'm alone in this, but that montage excites me. Even the current montage is pretty good. There I am watching ANGEL, cooking tiny pork chops, choosing from the big pile of books by my bed and reading for hours. it's so weird, all the unstructured time. i don't remember what i used to do all the time, other than (a) ride the bus (i live close enough to everything good now to walk) and (b) watch simpsons (no cable, so i watch NOTHING.)

I'm sorry about all these short, disconnected paragraphs but now that I don't write here often anymore I'm always saving up things, little morsels. Only about 5% of what happens to me is worth mentioning on my website, and I wish I could somehow pare down my life so that 5% is all I do. And then increase the quantity of that stuff so it takes up, oh, I don't know, just to pull a figure out of nowhere, 100% of my time. Although then of course I wouldn't have a website, and then where would we be, internet?

I only had money for one new book this month, and I chose Harry, so the new John Irving will have to wait. Unless I can somehow trickily get my parents to buy it and lend it to me.


oh internet, it's been so long
Thursday, July 14, 2005 @ 10:25 p.m.

hi! i am mostly fine.

I have a new apartment, and I live by myself. This means the following:

  • I am obsessed about dirtying clothes and dishes because I have to wash them myself, in a greatly inconvenient way. anyone visiting my apartment is only allowed one glass per visit.
  • i am tempted to buy ridiculous groceries, like nutella and pizza pops and fresh crab meat and those swiss cheese crackers, but mostly i am rational and buy fruit and rice and chicken.
  • i rent one DVD after another to try to distract myself from the fact that i am alone all the time. i have watched an entire season of ANGEL (22 episodes) in less than 2 weeks.
  • i almost never wear pants. sometimes i stand in the street looking up at my window, wondering, "can people see me when i don't wear pants?" (i have curtains now though, it's better)
  • i buy practical grown-up things, like garbage bags and light bulbs, and store them in my storage room. it's all a big facade though. on the inside i'm thinking about harry potter.
  • i have no money WHATSOEVER.
  • I miss my dog like crazy.

not having the internet is weird. for the first few days, I was like, "aaaah! no internet!" but now when i'm confronted with an available computer i can't really remember what i used to DO all the time. other than buy things on amazon, which i can no longer afford. it's amazing how being poor frees up your time.

i'm sad that i get no mail at my new apartment. i don't even have to open the mailbox when i come home from work in the afternoon; i just peer through the little slits and then give a great sigh.


ring my celly if you're feeling lonely
Friday, July 1, 2005 @ 08:41 a.m.

i'm moving today. i don't have internet at my new place, because i am too poor. i do have tons of posters though, and if i open and close my eyes while looking at them, i can pretend it's the internet.

so anyway i'm not sure how often i'll be around in future, it will depend on how inconvenient i find it living without web access.

but for now have a good summer and i'll see you soon.

i can't believe i just wrote that. it sounds like a grade 8 student's letter to her boyfriend while she's away at summer camp. i love you and i miss you. byeeee!!!