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♥ Goren: ...Free speech and the fair use doctrine, the first amendment, encryption software...
Eames: Stop it, you're making me hot.
-Law & Order: CI

♥ Reverend: Welcome to the fold, brother. Welcome. Praise the lord, brother. Do you reject Satan and all his evils?
Bunny: Sure.
-Ed Wood

♥ "Look! Reese Witherspoon will knit me a sweater. [pause] I wonder how long that would take." -At a charity auction, Friends With Money

Essay outline: "Rick Springfield's 'Jesse's Girl': A Feminist Analysis"
Sunday, May 28, 2006 @ 08:51 p.m.

  • Discourse is centred around the female body as an object; even though she is the focus (and the title) of the song, "Jesse's Girl" is never named in her own right. The rights and power associated with naming and identity are denied to her. As well, possession of her is physical and concrete: she is like an object, as the narrator indicates with the lines "Jesse's got himself a girl/And I want to make her mine."
  • Even the narrator admits that his problem "isn't hard to define:" it immediately becomes clear that male jealousy and homosocial conflict are at its centre. Thus the characterization of the female interloper as "Jesse's Girl," having no discrete identity of her own but being positioned only as the sum of her relationships to men.
  • This effect is further clarified by the narrator's frustration with her arms and lips, and the anguished identification that she is "loving him with that body, I just know it"-- in other words, that she (with her grotesque and receptive female body) is providing Jesse with the only type of satisfaction the narrator himself cannot provide. (In fact, the narrator originally identifies Jesse as "a good friend of mine," implying a deeper relationship than the song itself otherwise indicates.) The implied homosocial balance beneath the surface is disrupted by the unwelcome presence of a woman. This, in and of itself, can be taken as a metaphor for the entire partiarchal system, its methods of exclusion, and the implied threat that women pose.
  • The only redeeming grace in an otherwise despicably anti-feminist song is the suggestion, in the line "she's watching him with those eyes," that perhaps the female has a gaze of her own. This confers power and agency on her, albeit of a specific and limited type. It indicates that perhaps, in some alternate account of the situation the song relays, she might be named and recognized. As well, the line "I want to tell her that I love her,/But the point is probably moot" implies that "Jesse's Girl" may have some power of her own, even if that power consists only in deciding on which patriarchal mysogynist she will confer her charms.

PS: I'm priceless.

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Let me see you move like you come from Colombia
Saturday, May 27, 2006 @ 05:46 p.m.

veronicamarsbag 002

I made a bag inspired by the one Veronica has on Veronica Mars. (here is a picture.) She uses it to carry around her walkie-talkies, her spy notebook, her cool sexy phone, and sometimes disguises. I will mostly use mine to carry around library books, and my giant old-school headphones, but at least it's a start. And it has sequins. And a Noam Chomsky button. I'm extremely pleased with how it turned out. It will be valuable in my quest to become a hero-librarian. I made it out of old jeans, as you can probably tell, and I know it's cheezy, but I like the feel of it. It feels like, well, old jeans. In a nice way. Also, I didn't wash the jeans first. Sentimental and gross!

Also, my carpet is not really that absolutely nasty colour. It is ALMOST that nasty, but not quite. It doesn't photograph well.

I am totally, totally listening to Shakira.

For you, I'd give up all I own,
And move to a communist country,
If you came with me, of course

weird. Doesn't she already come from a Communist country? [kidding]

Off to solve some crimes, although they may only be Law & Order: CI crimes,

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I usually try to be funny.
Thursday, May 25, 2006 @ 08:41 a.m.

So. My parents are moving to the US at the end of the summer.

Although pretty much all my friends already know this, I have yet to mention it here because I haven't found a way to present the information in a useful way. The truth is that I'm upset about it, and I try to save my website for things that aren't upsetting, but funny. Self-indulgent melodrama works well on some girls, but I have never considered myself one of those. But on the other hand, there's no point in pretending I live in some flippant world of puppies and rainbows and pastoral comedy and ABBA and uppers, because I don't. Many things, including (apparently) perpetual poverty and waking up with bugs can be funny from a particular perspective, but not this, it seems to me.

So for some reason, I'm going over to my parents' house tomorrow afternoon so that I can take the dog out when people come to look at the house. I'm so mixed up. I remember when we sold our house in Regina, when I was nine, pedalling my bike like crazy over to a friend's house, absolutely furious-- believing, somehow, that my own temporary disappearance could stall, or prevent even, the inevitable. I felt so LOST. On some level I think I kew I was being childish-- I was a child after all-- and I didn't care; I just wanted to prevent, impossibly, what I knew I couldn't.

I feel a little bit of that blind, furious lostness now, and if my bike had a front tire, if I wasn't 23 years old, if it wasn't raining, I would get back on my bike. I can put the same thought into it, decide exactly where to go, somewhere obscure enough they won't think of it, somewhere where even the adults are kind of on your side.

It didn't help when I was nine. It would make even less difference now. But it might have made me feel a little better, like I had the ability to exercise control over something, even if that something was just the direction of my wheels. Plus, I get a little retrospective satisfaction in the fact that they called the police.

Wish me luck.

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like gangbusters
Wednesday, May 24, 2006 @ 09:39 a.m.

McSweeney's List: Good Advice From a Grand Theft Auto Dating FAQ.

On Monday, I watched the first two episodes of Veronica Mars season 2. Today, I accidentally learned the solution to the grand mystery of season 2, which I was not SUPPOSED to learn until episode 22. Stupid internet and stupid being an entire season behind everyone else.

Boy, reading this page you would think all I do is watch TV. Not so! Sometimes I buy books. And occasionally, I write letters to politicians. At least once a week, I cook a funny casserole, reminiscent of the 1950s. And tonight I am going to my class. So really, I only spend 45% of my time watching TV.

PS: I think it's a sign of my great love for Firefly that I recently read the whole TWOP "Quotable Firefly" forum thread and I laughed all the way through. I had forgotten one of my favourite moments from that show, which is Jayne saying, darkly, That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth. When I am 80 years old I will still be watching Joss Whedon's shows. Although by that time there won't be DVDs anymore... instead you'll just cue them up in the brain of the robot that follows you around. (BDM = Big Damn Movie, Serenity)

The future: now with robots.TM

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slow down, slow down
Tuesday, May 23, 2006 @ 01:03 p.m.

[Watching season 2 (!) of Veronica Mars-- Veronica is trying to find out about a call placed from a payphone]
Jocelyn: If Vincent D'Onofrio was here, he would be able to find out what calls were placed from that payphone.
Meghan: By smelling it.
Courtney: Or possibly licking it.

When I woke up this morning, there was a BUG ON MY PILLOW. My first instinct was to move. My second instinct was to think that maybe the bugs are actually READING THIS WEBSITE, and I'm inadvertently playing into their dirty little hantavirus hands. Er, claws.

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because i could not stop for death.
Sunday, May 21, 2006 @ 09:23 a.m.

Attention, shoppers. There's a Retail Rodeo special on aisle 3. Liquid Drain Cleaner, 2 12-ounce cans for .00. Liquid Drain Cleaner has churning power and it will churn right through your pipes. Ladies, you need female plumbing. Shove something clean and new up your filthy pipes. That's Liquid Drain Cleaner on aisle 3. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Retail Rodeo.
-Cheryl, The Good Girl

Kaylee: I'd sure love to find a brand new compression coil for the steamer.
Mal: And I'd like to be king of all Londinum and wear a shiny hat.

Mmm... shiny hat.

I got my Neil Postman and Noam Chomsky buttons from mushycat. If anyone wants a button of one of these two fine men, email me. I will be mailing free buttony presents. also, does anyone want to swamp mix CDs? i feel like i've been making good ones lately.

It rained last night so I finally got to sleep. I was thrilled when it started to rain, because I thought, "I can always sleep when it's raining," and then I realized that I am a Matchbox-20-song cliche.

Someone on 43 things has the goal "Read 1000 books." Does it seem likely that I have read 1000 books? This would mean 66 books a year since I was 8. It's possible, especially since every time I go over to Caleb's house I read Scooby-Doo at least twice. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

But then, that is true of so many things.

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006 @ 03:20 p.m.

Ever since I drew attention to it, iTunes has been shuffling admirably. I put the fear of "uninstall" into it.

I'm bored enough that I just wrote a letter to my MLA. It's too hot to do anything. I might go to school just because I think the library is air-conditioned.

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"I don't believe in little Jewish Santa anymore."
Wednesday, May 17, 2006 @ 12:44 p.m.

I don't believe in iTunes' "Shuffle" setting. (I mean that I don't have faith in it. I do believe it exists.) It doesn't shuffle! It plays the same 5 songs over and over. What does it take to properly shuffle MP3s, a supercomputer?

Maybe my iTunes is trying to tell me something! OK, I'm going to start keeping track of the ones it tries to play over and over, and search for secret messages.

So, as I mentioned I had to watch some TV for my class and keep track of the commercials. In two hours of television, I watched 70 COMMERCIALS. Given that I probably watch 6 or 7 hours of broadcast TV a week (consisting entirely of L&O:CI and Simpsons) that's 11,700 commercials a year.

No wonder I have a headache.

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world processor
Tuesday, May 16, 2006 @ 04:02 p.m.

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Director of The Department of Apartmentland Security
Tuesday, May 16, 2006 @ 12:24 p.m.

let's see...

File under: hi-larious puns
When I watched Edward Scissorhands last week with James, I got to make this joke: "Wow, he's so good at making those topiaries... would you say he has hedge-emonic control?"

I am still laughing about it at this moment.

I finished reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince today. I had read it before, when it first came out, but I decided to re-read now that I had had time to recover from the shock of DUMBLEDORE'S VIOLENT DEATH (retrospective spoiler warning). I have a friend who claims, upon careful re-reading, that Dumbledore is, and I quote, "definitely not dead." But I'm not sure I buy it. So anyway, the experience was as emotionally exhausting the second time through-- maybe more so in fact, because the first time I was reading for plot, and this time I was able to stop and savour the little hints and foreshadowings of immense trauma to come. And by "savour" I mean "cry about."

I am also in the midst of Nanci Kincaid's Pretending the Bed is a Raft, which is a wonderful collection of short stories I wanted to read just because of its amusing title. (Meandering sidenote: when I was a kid I used to play a game called "Pretending the bed is a boat." This game consisted of me stockpiling all the things I could possibly need for a medium-length boat ride, say 8 hours or so, and then not being allowed to get off my bed. That was it. Some game, right? I was a weird kid. Essentially what I am telling you is that I enjoyed something that could also be called "The trip-planning game.") This book has such a sense of foreboding, of pervasive but non-articulate-able creepiness, that I am enjoying it immensely. I keep stopping cold because of one little turn of phrase or line of dialogue, and thinking, "I'm so creeped out now-- how did she do that?" It's very satisfying, if you like that kind of thing.

At 1:00 I have to watch Da Vinci's Inquest. It's for homework! I never thought I would get to say that. (I have to do a "commercial audit" for my marketing class.) Anyway, I have a secret affection for this show. It's a great Canadian weakness. In fact it kind of reminds me of... LAW AND ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT!

I am losing the War on Bug Terror.

And I have no fucking exit strategy.

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disadvantages of living in my neighbourhood
Friday, May 12, 2006 @ 09:32 p.m.

  1. When I take my 7-year-old friend Caleb to the park, there are broken beer bottles in the sand, presumably infected with HIV and salmonella.
  2. Apparently, from now on, every time the Oliers win a stupid hockey game, I will feel like Sombre Island in an ocean of rioters. Many of them with temporary tattoos. I will never understand why people care about sports. Or why this caring compels them to yell outside my apartment.
  3. The Safeway near my house is really expensive, but I can only summon the strength to go to Superstore once a month.

My brain is on vacation. I watch at least two episodes of Law and Order: Criminal Intent every day. I like this show because it allows me to multitask without problem. I have also been reading a lot. I finished Everything Bad Is Good For You today. Last week I read Neil Postman's Amusing Ourselves to Death. These books essentially contradict each other, and the fact that I agreed wholeheartedly with both of them is only proof of my weak-mindedness.

I had 1" Neil Postman and Noam Chomsky buttons custom-made from mushycat. Soon I am going to be that nerdy girl on the bus that all the boys are in love with...


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Days since I've seen a bug: 5
Wednesday, May 10, 2006 @ 10:51 a.m.

I just had to share this sentence with someone.

"Does [the organization] have the competence to galvanise the energy and resources to mobilise and motivate all functions, processes and people towards the overall mission or focus of the business?"
-Atkinson (2004) “Strategy: Failing to plan is planning to fail.” Marketing Services 48 (1) 14-18.

Tee hee. Can you vague that up for me? In Amusing Ourselves to Death, Neil Postman says that one of the characteristics of text is that it is hard to construct a sentence with no content. But I think that one comes pretty close.

I am not reading Marketing Services for fun, but rather, because I am taking a class this semester on MARKETING FOR NON-PROFITS! yay! So no, I haven't lost my mind. I'm still reading fun stuff for fun and boring stuff for school.

As of today, I have used up the box of laundry detergent I bought when I first moved into this apartment. Since 1 box does 23 loads, this means I have done 2.2 loads of laundry a month for the past 10 months. Gross, eh? I thought you'd be impressed. I'm practically a boy. It's pure laziness, too, nothing more respectable like concern for the environment.

Also I spend several hours a week watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. I even rented some of the DVDs (the nice thing about this show is that it is so formulaic, you can watch the episodes in literally any order and it makes no difference), and James asked, "So, how does it feel to be the first person EVER to rent that show from the Movie Studio?"

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Days since I've seen a bug: 0
Bugs killed today: 1

Friday, May 5, 2006 @ 09:10 a.m.

'Cause it makes me feel famous
When the phone is for me...
-Carolyn Mark

Logan: You do not want to start with me today, Paco.
Weevil: Are you sure? It was in my day planner under "goals."
-Veronica Mars

Things that give me a sense of accomplishment: 1. I finished Gould's Book of Fish, reading 300 dense, slang-intensive pages in 1 sitting; 2. I got to fill out a Census 2006 form from Statistics Canada. I love being included in statistics.

On the other hand, I started to cry the other day because of Parents Against Bad Books in Schools, so I would say the past two days have been a mixed bag. Anyone who wants to ban Gabriel Garcia Marquez is no friend of mine. I will never understand what compels people to want to eliminate anything remotely racy, sexual, distressing or rude from literature. What we are left with then is The Babysitters Club. And those books are changing no one's life.

It just occurred to me: shouldn't it be the Babysitters' Club, with an apostrophe?

I may be the last one to know about this, but: Once More With Hobbits. The musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, rewritten as a parody of Lord of the Rings. I am in the tiny subset of the population who loves both Buffy and LOTR, so this pleases me immensely. Where would we be without the internet? Considerably more isolated, without the comforting knowledge that there are others who share our strangest compulsions and obsessions.

Speaking of which, I'm off to search for Vincent D'Onofrio fan sites. And maybe some... fanfic. (Oh man, this is even better than I could have anticipated: slash fic MUSIC VIDEOS!)

I am getting sick, I think. There are only two things that will make me feel better: 1. watching the SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS. 2. ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!

Your BFF,
Bug-Killer Jocelyn

PS. What does the second "f" stand for? I kind of always thought it might be "best friendly friends," but that's a stupid phrase that only I would think up.

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Days since I've seen a bug: 3
Thursday, May 4, 2006 @ 03:16 p.m.

Meghan and I are going to a wedding reception-type party next weekend, with karaoke; and let it here be noted that if they have the Reba McEntire song Fancy, we are solemnly sworn to sing it.

Given that I just got out of bed for the first significant time today, I think I'm taking a day off.

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Stop! Hammertime!
Monday, May 1, 2006 @ 02:57 p.m.

If you have not switched to firefox yet, do it. If for no other reason than that it has way better customizability than IE. For example, my browser (a) has a little console that lets me control itunes (b) has a little window that displays the current Department of Homeland Security Alert Status ("ELEVATED") (c) has a stop button that makes the sound, "STOP! HAMMERTIME!"

The second thing I would like to report is that there are bugs in my apartment. Big ones. At present I have killed 5 but I can only conclude that there must be more. The internet informs me that they are pill bugs, not potato bugs as I had originally surmised. I can do two things to get rid of them. 1, get a dehumidifier. Apparently the reason they love my apartment (besides the obviously thrilling decor and my great taste in music) is that it is so WET in here. it's fucking tropical. 2, I can continue to make threatening speeches and trash-talk them before I kill them. Whenever I squish one, I say things like, "OH REALLY, BITCH? YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALK AROUND IN MY APARTMENT? WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT." I also taunt them, like "Who's got the superior IQ? Who's got the opposable thumbs? You're fuckin' right, it's me." However, I then kill them so they can't carry the message back to their disgusting pill-bug housing complex (wherever it is). Maybe I should let one get away.

This is what the bugs in my apartment look like:

Except they are a lighter brown colour and only about half this size. I know from my squishing experiments that their blood is a watery olive green colour. They have squirmy little legs and sometimes I kill them on the ceiling so I'm pretty sure they are LANDING IN MY HAIR WHILE I AM ASLEEP. And they probably taunt me while they do it. Like, "You might have opposable thumbs, but we're in your hair!" or something like that. Gyeeegh. In spite of my brave talk and posturing, I think the bugs might be winning this battle of wits.

I took away the comments. No one was exercising their Jocelyn-given right to democratic expression and dialogue. Use it or lose it, people! Actually, all the "0 Comments" things just made me too depressed and insecure. It had nothing to do with democracy. (Note: I was going to make an offensive joke here about other things that have nothing to do with democracy, like "the government of the United States," but I'm trying not to be such a bitch. On the other hand, though, what are you going to do? Leave me snarky comments? I didn't think so.)


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Sunday, April 30, 2006 @ 08:52 a.m.

Question: will the Sims navigate a maze to get to their bigscreen TV?"



Answer: yes. In fact the Sims were very decisive in their maze-navigating and didn't make a single inefficient or wrong turn. Of course, these are German Sims I downloaded from the website (they came in a cool house) so that might be why.

In order to be really rigourous, I would have to test some non-German Sims in the maze and make notes on their performance. But I don't think I will. Rigour is not my strong suit.

OK, whoa. That was good science everybody. Let's take a five-minute break.

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