"I will repay you. Unless I can't find you. Or I forget." -Shrek 2
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sunday morning coming down
Sunday, June 13, 2004 @ 09:16 a.m.

I took the fake Canadian citizenship test (from the Richmond Public Library) to see if I know enough about Canada to emigrate here. And I DO! In fact I got a perfect score. I was hoping it would be really hard, but it wasn't.

I like that Simpsons where Apu has to study for the US citizeship test and gets the question, "what started the civil war?" and he's just supposed to say "slavery" but he wants to point out the many and complex underlying causes.

He had not stopped desiring her for a single instant. He found her in the dark bedrooms of captured towns, especially in the most abject ones, and he would make her materialize in the smell of dry blood on the bandages of the wounded, in the instantaneous terror in the danger of death, at all times and in all places." -One Hundred Years of Solitude

On Friday night I watched THE LION KING with Caleb and I'd forgotten how scary this movie is. Notes from my experience:

I like how, in Lion King, you can tell Scar is evil because of his British accent. Does he represent the looming shadow of colonialism in Africa? Or is it just for added sinister?

Now it's the stampede. I HATE this part. Why do Disney movies always have to be about the death of the father? I mean, it's so scary and horrible.
Caleb: "What happened?"
Jocelyn: "He got run over by the wildebeests."

And how we have to see the body. And there's sad, father-killing music playing. IS THIS NECESSARY, DISNEY CORPORATION? IS IT ETHICAL?


dirty limericks and comfort food
Thursday, June 10, 2004 @ 08:42 p.m.

June projects:

  • reading AMPHIGOREY, this collection of 15 short books by Edward Gorey which Meghan gave me and I've never read cover-to-cover. I love Edward Gorey. He's so terribly morose and morbid.
  • Learning to knit. To start, I am making a scarf for my dog. Knitting is harder than it looks. However, I am not as terrible as I thought. One day I'd like to be as good as an old lady.
  • Volunteering for local improv festival. (Maybe?)
  • Taking yoga classes. Why? Because I can. For cheap. And apparently it's good for you.

    Work is just getting me down so much, that I need to find other things to do. If your whole life is work, and work sucks, then your life rapidly begins to suck too. At least, that's what a wise person would tell you.

    Movies I've seen lately: Harry Potter III (2x), The Delicate Art of Parking, Super Size Me, The Saddest Music In The World. Super Size Me is funny. "If you're on a desert island... or if all other food sources have been contaminated with Anthrax... then MAYBE you should eat fast food." These Michael Moore-esque amusing documentaries are good for me, I think. They make me feel guilty about my life, and guilt is better than feeling nothing.

    Also there's a Canadian federal election coming up in a couple weeks and does anyone know who they're voting for? Because I don't. At this moment I hate all the political parties and their various wackinesses.

    As for me, I'll wish that I was anywhere (with anyone) making out.


    you could never leave the province in this state
    Monday, June 7, 2004 @ 02:59 p.m.

    Today at work I got a $5 bill registered on the site It's a bit exciting. Although not very. My bill came from Saskatoon, and tonight it's going to be spent on delicious butter chicken at Bombay Palace.


    no matter how far away, i will always love you...
    Saturday, June 5, 2004 @ 11:12 a.m.

    If, with the literate, I am
    Impelled to try an epigram,
    I never seek to take the credit;
    We all assume that Oscar said it.
    -Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde

    After the canyon we drove the two miles up Capilano Road to Grouse Mountain, where I spent many of my teenage years skiing. We rode the tramway to the top; our gondola was full of forty-three senior citizens. These were the "Rambling Rovers" of Coeur D'Alene, Idaho: forty-three teensy little people like Franklin Mint figurines with white hair, all wearing blue rayon baseball jackets. These old people were, in fact, all so identical that it spooked us. The German reporter and I wondered if that was our fate, no matter how hard we tried, to become a Rambling Rover roaming the world in pursuit of meaning from within an Evergreen Coachline bus with Oregon license plates.
    -Douglas Coupland, The German Reporter

    I went to see Guy Madden's The Saddest Music In The World and I liked it. Isabella Rossellini is in it and she was much better than as Sydney's evil aunt on ALIAS. I had a funny conversation with James before we decided to go.

    Jocelyn: Guy Madden? What else has he directed?
    James [reading from imdb]: Cowards Bend The Knee. Fancy, Fancy Being Rich. Dracula: Pages From A Virgin's Diary. Fleshpots of Antiquity. Twilight of the Ice Nymphs. Imperial Orgies. Sissy Boy Slap Party.
    Jocelyn: Sissy Boy Slap Party? Are you making this up?
    James: No! It's real!

    Because they all sounded like porn. I guess it's possible to get into a frame of mind where pretty much anything can sound like porn.

    So, at the part in the movie when the two brothers are fighting, James and I whispered to each other at the same moment: "Sissy boy slap party!"

    I want to go see Calexico when they play at the jazz festival in july (or whenever it is, sigh) but i can't find anywhere to buy tickets online. all i ask is that i be able to do everything i need to do, on the internet, all the time, so i don't have to leave my house. i mean, is that too much to ask?


    I'm at work. So.
    Tuesday, June 1, 2004 @ 12:32 p.m.

    My nose bleeds all the time.

    Lady at the post office [hunting for change]: "I guess you don't want this button, do you?"
    Jocelyn: "No, we just got a memo from Canada Post. We're no longer allowed to accept buttons as a form of currency."

    I went to see THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW and it wasn't that great a movie but I liked it because: disasters. I love disaster movies, and this one had aesthetic disaster cred to spare. The end of the world is hot. Empty shopping malls, shattered windows, abandoned civilization. That's what I'm all about.


    that good-hearted trooper that i'm dreaming of
    Friday, May 28, 2004 @ 08:44 a.m.

    so, as you may have heard our fair sister city to the South, Calgary, is in the Stanley Cup. It's funny because normally Edmontonians have nothing good to say about Calgary, a rivalry I've never understood since I moved here. But hockey over-ruled this animosity. On the cover of the Sun a few days ago was a church that put this on their sign:

    The Bible says
    "Pray for your enemies"

    I'm telling you, sports are weird.

    I rode my bike to and from work yesterday and in the river valley I saw: chipmunks, a coyote, and some people doing Tai Chi next to the river. It reminded me of Tony Soprano and his ducks. I think we're all just looking for the sublime, whether we care to admit that to ourselves or not.

    We have these horrid Home Hardware stamps at the post office and NO ONE wants to buy them because they are a corporate sell-out. In spite of our meagre attempts at salesmanship-- "Look, they come in a full-colour booklet with a free truck sticker! Perfect for, uh, sticking on stuff!"-- they remain unsold. What was The Corporation THINKING?!?

    We are going out to Courtney's cabin for the weekend to watch Buffy and drink, probably. And we need to get groceries. "OOh, snacks! The secret to any successful migration!"


    Quote because Season Six comes out tomorrow
    Monday, May 24, 2004 @ 02:48 p.m.

    "And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men - evil. You know, 'straight up, black hat, Tied to the train tracks, soon my electro-ray will destroy metropolis' bad." -Buffy


    File under: news to induce more seafood nightmares
    Saturday, May 22, 2004 @ 07:42 p.m.

    Stalin's army of Kamchatka crabs makes its way slowly east, devestating the Free World (heading, ironically, for the socialist paradise of Sweden). Stupid Stalin. They're already in Vancouver! As if we didn't have enough things to worry about! Anyway, obviously what is called for is some kind of Crab Cold War. Perhaps scallops that have been indoctrinated into free trade and American-style democracy could be released into Scandanavian waters. Then we will see which ideology is superior!*

    In the post office we like sending things to rural Sweden because the mail code is "SEXXX." Hey, it's the small things. Especially the dirty small things.

    Sorry I've been such a bad friend, Internet. I've been sick, and today is the first day I've been capable of sitting at a keyboard without throwing up from the vertigo. I had a weird flu that made me sick for two days and then went away. Apparently I control it with my mind.

    It has been a week for weird e-mails, lots of Simpsons, and windy, wuthering weather.

    *Not an accurate test. Giant crabs could kick scallops' ass. If scallops had an ass. Which they don't because-- let's face it-- they're the lamest sea-creatures of all. They're barely even good eatin', let alone good warrin'.


    Emphasis on the roving
    Tuesday, May 18, 2004 @ 10:34 p.m.

    I'm reading Paco Underhill's book The Call of the Mall, a sometimes-interesting and surprisingly uncontroversial analysis of mall design and shopping culture (in the US mainly-- he hasn't even been to West Edmonton Mall, the world's largest). This passage made me smile.

    It's a good chance to contemplate this phenomenon [of Aqua Massage], which strikes me as a centure that could succeed only in the mall. Maybe that's due to the psychic kinship shared by an enclosed shopping center and an enclosed massage machine. They're both so spectacularly fake that they outdo reality.

    Simulacra are everywhere, friends. Beware!

    I'm also reading Dorothy Parker, and she's so, so great. And I went to Troy and it wasn't offensively bad although it wasn't good either, it just made me want to reread Troilus and Cressida. At least Shakespeare was straightforward in his condemnation. Whereas the movie is... well, is it condemning anything? Mainly the point of the movie seems to be, "Look at Brad Pitt! Look at his muscles!"

    Reads 17th-century literature for fun on summer vacation. Big dork. Check.


    Sunday, May 16, 2004 @ 11:56 a.m.

    So, I was at this get-together last night in the 'Park (tee hee, hip suburban slang), and around 2.30 when things started to get sleepy I didn't have any way of getting home other than exorbitant cab. So I slept on Becky's couch. Except of course I didn't sleep. I lay in the dark listening to my minidisc player and read a Gordon Korman book in the dirty five-AM half-light. I'm such a neurotic sleeper, it's unbelievable. I came home and tried to sleep but it was sooo bright out and my family seemed all weird and loud so instead I showered, ate something, and decided to get on with the day. Sometimes being alive is a pure act of will.

    PS. Do children everywhere read GK or is this a Canadian phenomenon only? I remember them being, like, extremely edgy and anarchic when I was in about 5th grade.


    Modern Declaration
    Tuesday, May 11, 2004 @ 03:12 p.m.

    I, having loved ever since I was a child a few things, never having wavered

    In these affections; never through shyness in the houses of the rich or in the presence of clergymen having denied these loves;

    Never when worked upon by cynics like chiropractors having grunted or clicked a vertebra to the discredit of these loves;

    Never when anxious to land a job having diminished them by a conniving smile; or when befuddled by drink

    Jeered at them through heartache or lazily fondled the fingers of their alert enemies; declare

    That I shall love you always.

    No matter what party is in power;

    No matter what temporarily expedient combination of allied interests wins the war;

    Shall love you always.

    -Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1939.


    i owe it to myself-- not to mention posterity.
    Monday, May 10, 2004 @ 04:33 p.m.

    When i was driving once
    i saw this painted on a bridge:
    'I don't want the world
    i just want your half...'
    -ana ng

    "you know, you should try believing in something bigger than yourself. It might cheer you up." -Toby in American Splendor

    We bought a new expansion pack for Settlers of Catan, Cities and Knights. (SoC is this board game my family, and many of my friends, are obsessed with.) In it, you have to defend the island against barbarians. Courtney, Meghan, Parker and I were coming up with ethnocentric justifications for our acts of violence against the barbarians: "They have a primitive culture. They worship many Gods. They only speak grunt. They have a lot of facial hair." They started it, though. Filthy barbarians.

    Are the barbarians an actual historical gorup of some kind? Or is it just a general term? Might be good to know.

    There's a JAVA version. Someone has WAYYYY too much spare time. (someone besides me)


    not petroleum fun, but-- you know.
    Wednesday, May 5, 2004 @ 10:06 p.m.

    I'm so, so tired. I'm like the walking dead from a zombie movie. I don't even know why. I may never recover from last semester. That would be great, actually. When I'm 40 people will ask me where things went wrong, and I'll be like, "my eighth semester in my undergrad degree... when i bent over backwards trying to get a 4.0 and never came back down." Really, it may be the thing I never recover from. Well, that and everything else. I may never recover from everything.

    It's snowing here again. The grass is already mostly green and it looks warmish outside, except for the snow. It's so pretty, and so sad. It does give me an excuse to wear my long navy scarf, but that barely helps. That leaves me with 5% scarf-wearing joy and 95% looming depression and misery. I don't like those odds.

    There are about a million emails I should send to people, and I feel this bowling ball of email-related guilt in my stomach. But I can't help it. I barely have the momentum to keep going forward myself. I didn't know the summer was going to be this winter-y and lonely, otherwise I would have never signed up.

    I need a phone call
    I need a plane ride
    I need a sunburn
    I need a raincoat


    as long as your army
    keeps perfectly still...

    Monday, May 3, 2004 @ 04:27 p.m.

    I updated my links page. uh huh. And I am adding to it all the time! I don't like the internet that much, though, so that accounts for my lack of enthusiasm.

    I was on TV.


    i waited too long
    Friday, April 30, 2004 @ 10:25 p.m.

    the phone rang three times; but you were gone...

    Songs I wish were on a single They Might Be Giants CD so I could just buy one: Istanbul, Man It's So Loud In Here, Ana Ng, The Sun Is A Mass..., Don't Let's Start. OK, I found it... but it's a 2-disk set... and it's $40. Hello!?!

    This may well make me a bad person, but I am looking after Meghan's dog and I hate it. I'm sorry, Meghan, but I hate your dog. He bit me and peed on my mother's bed and overturns my garbage and drags it all over the floor. And he makes a howling sound like he's being eviscerated. I'm afraid to leave him outside because I think the neighbours may report me as a cruel animal-owner.

    "But I did watch The Bachelor. Two women got their hearts broken on TV. It was very gratifying."

    "I refuse to accept the masculine imperative of 'a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do'; i think it's just a justification for violence that would otherwise seem psychotic and anti-social." -Me, explaining to my mom why I stopped watching the movie "Striking Distance" halfway through

    "Not just any Catholic school: Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows. That means sadness. Forever." -Donna, on That 70s Show

    "Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control. And they eat all the steak." -Sapphire, in Almost Famous

    There are no messages on my voicemail but it keeps blinking. Apparently my phone has gone insane. Is this one of the signs of the apocalypse? Perpetual blinking phone; dog that bites me and makes snorfling sounds in the night; an abnormally high GPA? Revelation 15:1 or something? ("It is relevant... relevant Revelations!")


    she's 3 miles of bad road
    Sunday, April 25, 2004 @ 06:43 p.m.

    I am sewing this patch on the back of my jeans:

    Ted Arthur Trucking
    Ph. 346-6001
    Red Deer, Alta.

    It came from an antique store in Donalda, AB (home of the world's largest lamp).

    I went to superstore and bought a bag of gummy dinosaurs because they looked SO gummy. like, way gummier than normal gummy candy. but, they were gross. possibly too much gelatin, or whatever causes that gummy magic. Heroin.

    On Friday night I asked Caleb how his fish were doing, and he said, "OK, but one of them died." I said that that happens to fish sometimes, remembering fondly Mr. Mixxx and all the other fish that came before-- hundreds of fish probably. Caleb asked me, in that way kids have that sounds like a sermon illustration (or a "Kids Say the Darndest Things" type anecdote), "How did the fish die?" And I had to concede, even to this little boy to whom my answers mean almost nothing, that I don't know. If I understood the reason that fish die, or even HOW fish die, I would be 7% happier and 13% less confused about life.

    I'm having a really bad day and the only thing that will make me feel better is stuff from superfantastico, or new Simpsons, or fanmail. Magnifico!


    something is wrong
    Saturday, April 24, 2004 @ 08:57 a.m.

    "It'll be like Swiss Family Robinson. But with more cursing. We'll live like kings... damn hell ass kings!" -Simpsons

    Caleb: Do it! You can do it!
    Jocelyn: Are you heckling me?
    Caleb [looking perplexed]: I'm not tickling you. I'm really not.

    I woke up this morning feeling like the semester was really over. And it was a pretty good feeling, baby. Also I had been having a dream that I was on a reality dating show in LA. We all lived in this condo. It was horrible. Everyone was so slutty!

    I have to go. James and I are having breakfast at McDonald's. I only get to eat there about once a year for breakfast... and that day is TODAY! (How empowering, right? I know.)


    my english 450 presentation.
    Wednesday, April 21, 2004 @ 10:02 p.m.

    is here. For my eyes only, plus people who are really bored.


    a strange fascination draws her closer to him!
    Tuesday, April 20, 2004 @ 02:24 p.m.

    Whenever my sister and I see each other, regardless of how recently we've spoken, we greet each other the same way.

    "We need to talk about your flair."


    but i thought the monkeys were doing an OK job
    Monday, April 19, 2004 @ 04:27 p.m.

    while "preparing" for my exam and eating lipton's sidekicks I watched "prophecy girl."
    The Master: "You were destined to die! It was written!"
    Buffy: "What can I say? I flunked the written."

    You know those velcro straps that cyclists wear around their pant legs so they don't get caught in the chains? That have fluorescent strips? Well, I have some now. I made them out of recycled blue jeans. Because I am hip and crafty and not afraid to look like a dork. When I wear my helmet and my pant-saving strips (as I have named them) I am all done up in hella bike style. Boys want to kiss me.

    For those of you who don't see me every day, i'm stressed out and probably having an emotional breakdown. I wrote my last final today, and i have a final project (some kind of internet-thing!?!) to make for thursday. Then I will return to being nice. James bought me ice cream yesterday; what have YOU done for me lately?

    There is a storm brewing outside, but it's not a snowstorm. So maybe it is going to be OK.


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